Day Thirty-Nine

the thing about blogging about my life is that when i miss a few days it's hard to know where to start. there are lots of things i want to share. i guess i do know where i need to start. the repercussions of not going to sara's wedding really threw me for a loop. basically, i've been feeling like the whole situation is very urgent, and katie strongly feels that i shouldnt do ANYTHING when i feel urgency. that even though i am uncomfortable, i have to sit through it. there's more, too. that it's sara's first week married and i shouldnt make it about me. and also, that i said i was sorry, and shouldn't keep apologizing, just to get the reaction i want. that i'm a people pleaser, and that's something i need to work on. it's still uncomfortable but it is starting to feel less urgent. i started composing an email to her in my head earlier when i felt really calm but now i'm not at that point.

i'm feeling a bit all over the place. there is a sober party tonight that a ton of people i like are going to but, i dont know. it feels weird to me. overwhelming. uncomfortable. i'm not feeling great anyway. i'm really tired and have a cold, and i just feel really gross and fat and not like someone who should be seen by people.

eh, i had so much to say. now i'm tired.

Day Thirty-Three

so, wow. life has been... very up and down. kind of hard to handle. had a couple of pretty terrible days, and then an unexpectedly okay evening thursday night, and then an okay day on friday, with its own ups and downs at work... but what totally threw me was the impending wedding i had planned on going to this weekend, and the realization that there was very little chance of my attending without drinking. so i felt awful but i called and i canceled. i just dont think i had a choice, that if i want to keep moving forward. and the bride was... unhappy. she was fine on the phone, and then i called a sober friend who was so excited for me and called it an "act of love toward myself," and that made me feel amazing, because that's the kind of thing i want to do, need to do. i want to love myself. had a wonderful dinner with stephanie and then met jesse for her birthday at a soho meeting and then went out with a bunch of people for more food and THEN six of us went to washington square at midnight to play charades, and it was the most fun i've had in so, so long. it was wildly fun and safe and i loved it.

then this morning i went to a 10:15 meeting. a 10 am i got a funny feeling so went outside to check my phone (there isn't any service in the room) and there was a text from sara. i was so nervous that i didnt check it at first. i knew it could go one of two ways. well, it did. she wanted to let me know that we could talk about it after the wedding, but that she was annoyed that i didnt let her know earlier. i said i was sorry, and that i hadnt considered not going because i really wanted to be there, but that i wasnt be honest with myself when i thought i could do it without drinking, and that it wasnt a safe situation for me. that i was so sorry and knew that i was totally in the wrong. and she said that she'd "been reeaally understanding about the bachelorette party and bridal shower" (which she had been--she let me know it was okay if i didnt come, because one isnt my scene and one was pretty far) and that she was annoyed that i waited all the way until friday to cancel.

i mean, she's right. i really had been planning on going, though, until i was out this week with aa people at a restaurant with a bar in it and THAT was too much for me. there will be a time when i can go all these places and it wont make a difference--i know, ive been there--but that time isnt now, and i keep forgetting just how far backwards ive moved.

so that totally sucks. i hate that she's mad, i hate that this is taking up any space in her head the weekend she is getting married, i hate that i'm not going to get to see them get married. i hate that i didnt realize this earlier.

but this is what happened and this is where i'm at. yeah, would have been fucking a million times better to realize earlier, but i cant go back and change it. and all i can do is try to do the right thing now. and i know the right thing is not going. i mean... honestly, if i went, and i got drunk, i might very well embarrass myself and ruin part of the wedding. and even if that didnt happen, well, i'd be the one who would have to live and deal with what ive done. i cant go back to day one again. it was too hard to get here.

Day Thirty-One

hard few days. lots of uncomfortableness and pain. had lots and lots of trouble just, um, being in life. i feel a lot better now. it got worse before it got better and my therapist made me talk about some really uncomfortable things at group and when i left i thought i was going to collapse. but i had made plans to go out to eat with my friend matthew from group, and it was wonderful. we didnt end up getting food. we walked to central park and swung on the swings and then laid on the grass for a while and listened to music and talked and it helped, so much.

Day Thirty

you know, i havent really discussed alcoholism. not the ways that it touches every aspect of my life. how much more there is than not drinking, because drinking is only a symptom. to say i'm compulsive, that i have an addictive personality, is surely true, but it also strips away too much of the truth to be completely honest. i drink, i purge, i overeat, everything--to stop feeling. to disconnect from life. to find peace. to feel whole, or try to forget that i dont, as often and for as long as i can.

i'm never going to change. i've tried this before and i'm right back where i started. what's the point?

Day Twenty-Six

today was pretty rad! and what strikes me as important is noting the fact that it would NOT have been rad if i had gone out and gotten drunk last night. i may have had fun--or i may have made an asshole out of myself in front of my new coworkers--but either way, today would have been shit. guilt and shame and disappointment up to wazoo. but instead, it was a beautiful day and i got to enjoy it.

it started with a meeting. i love the saturday morning meeting here. it's always on the third step, and in my experience, they always get a regular, someone i know but not necessarily someone whose story i know, and it is fantastic and inspiring and helpful. that's what it was like today. then i went out with four girls for brunch, and then i took tommy to the dog park, and then i took tommy home and went to prospect park and read for a while, and then i met up with two of the girls from lunch and one other girl and we went to prospect park for a free concert. i had no idea who the bands were but it was a beautiful night, a perfect night to sit outside in the park, and i had a blast. fuck yes!

Day Twenty-Five

hey! day twenty-five here. yesterday i went to a meeting during lunch, and kind of loved getting away from the office and getting some aa action in the middle of the day, so i went again today. it was a meeting on the promises, which is a list of specific things that the big book promises us, if we work the program. it was on the sixth promise: "We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows." Immediately my ears perked up. This particular promise seems to be the theme of my week, particularly in a conversation i had with someone in group therapy and in a conversation i had with my sponsor. i have issues with... negative thoughts, bad self esteem, putting myself down. and my sponsor tells me that this is rooted in selfishness. that if i'm the biggest piece of shit in the universe--i'm still the center of the universe. the speaker at today's meeting was a federal judge, and full of honesty and hope, and said several remarkable things, but what had the biggest effect on me is the idea that, as an alcoholic, drinking and using drugs to destroy myself is pretty much the most self-centered thing i could do.

holy crap, right? or--maybe not. maybe if you don't know much about alcoholism, or if you've been effected by alcoholism and it just hasn't been your own, this isn't such a revolutionary idea. but let me tell you--it is to me. and yet, at the same time, it is so obviously true.

i've actually been thinking a lot about that lately. the difference between alcoholics and non-alcoholics. because lately, i've been getting SO MUCH out of aa meetings. out of listening and sharing with other alcoholics. i hear my thoughts in their words, i hear my feelings expressed in ways i was never able to do myself. that, by the way, has been mind blowing. just the other night i heard a woman share about something and i was like... holy crap. THAT is how i feel. that is how i have felt since i've been like five or six. and it's always existed in my body and mind as a little lump that i've pushed away and ignored... and she just verbalized it, and now i understand it. and that is such a miracle. because how can i possible deal with things if i cant even admit that they're there?

but anyway, it's SO remarkable and SO crazy when i hear people say things that i can relate to such an unbelievable degree that i found myself thinking that maybe this is just the way people are, you know? but i realized today that that isn't so. it's been educational, this time around, to realize just how much the average person doesnt know about alcoholism. it's so ingrained in me at this point--both because that is who i AM, but also because of all the time i have spent reading about it and going to aa in the past--that i forget that other people dont have that background, or experience. but that's not bad or anything, of course. it just makes me realize all the more that i'm in the right place, and that the ways i can relate to these people really IS remarkable, and, that, no. not everyone feels these ways.

today was challenging because i was supposed to go for drinks after work with coworkers. i backed out earlier today. last night i suddenly realized that going was not a possibility for me. not if i wanted to stay sober. so i canceled, and people kind of made me feel bad. they were very nice about it and were just teasing me but some of the things they said really got to me, because i really DID want to go, so bad. but i didnt want to go and stay sober; i wanted to go and drink. so i canceled and came home. and i'm so, so glad i did. i also had an amazing conversation with katie about it... in which she reminded me that periods of growth usually do come out of being uncomfortable, and that being sober isnt just about not drinking. that it's about learning to be okay with who i am, and to be okay with being uncomfortable, and to becoming a better person because of it.

it's just such a positive spin. i want to grow. so i have to be uncomfortable. and that's okay.

Day Twenty-Four

big fucking sigh of relief over here. after two weeks of agonizing over how to get through it, it suddenly really sunk in that i DONT have to go to drinks night tomorrow night with my dream. i finally dont have a constant obsession over alcohol, but i just dont feel like a bar is a safe place for me right now. so i'm going to un-rsvp tomorrow.

Day Twenty-Two

ahhh. today was nice. it was the first day at my job where i felt useful, like i'm starting to know people and like i got shit done. and that's a good fucking feeling. i think the most important thing to me in life is feeling useful. and i so often feel like i'm just a waste of space.

today didnt feel like that and it made all the difference. i am so grateful for that.

martine and ethan are the partners on my team. martine had me come in her office to explain something she wants me to do and she said that she has many more responsibilities she wants me to take on but that she wants to ease me in. perfect. it was so good to hear that. firstly, because it's really fucking sane and reasonable. secondly, because it means that i haven't been SUPPOSED to know what i'm doing just yet. and thirdly, that she still wants me there and has ideas in mind of what i will eventually be doing.

then i talked with this really nice woman named libby, who is a lawyer. she had me come in and close the door so she could tell me about the company and hear about me and what not. she was fantastic and i could see really being friends with her. she is only part-time at this point because she has two little kids and--as she put it--she loves immigration law but is totally "over it" at this point. but she said it's a great team to be working on, and basically confirmed what i thought--that martine is really great at giving people more responsibilities if they step up and to help them advance their careers there and what not.

i also had therapy. man, my therapist is smart and boy does he understand alcoholics in a way i've never experienced with another therapist. and it's amazing that i see him for group and individual because i act very different in each, and he uses all the information together to get to know me and make suggestions and tell me what i need to think about and what not. so like today we talked about goals. which... is a big deal. because i dont have any. and apparently having them is important. reaching them is another matter all together, but having goals... i can see where they would come in handy. he also had a lot of interesting stuff to say on other stuff that i shared... i'm very happy with him. even though he makes me uncomfortable and do things i dont want to do.

tonight was a two meeting night. i like tuesdays because there are two meetings in a row, with a five minute break in the middle, at my home group. plus i got to see both katie and jesse and they both make me feel really good just by being with me.

so yeah. day twenty-two rocked pretty hard. and i didnt think about drinking, not one time.

Day Eighteen

life is so weird. i keep thinking that.

today was interesting. work was okay. i ate like i'm fucking pregnant and don't fit into my clothes anymore, which makes me feel shitty about myself, which makes me want to throw in the towel and drink. i get all worked up until i manage to slow down and remember that, okay, tomato, your primary job right now is to stay sober. the rest can be worked on once that is sorted out and safe. but i do hate feeling like this. fat. the one saving grace is that the people at my current job dont realize i've gained weight because they've never seen me before! but it's still hard being at a place where no one really knows me at all. and i'm still not sure what i'm supposed to be doing a lot of the time, which makes me feel uncertain and uncomfortable and unhelpful. surprisingly enough not my favorite ways of feeling. but i know, i KNOW, that this is all typical new job stuff. i just have to get through it.

i had lunch with sonia today, which was wonderful, but a weird thing was that i stopped by the office because a very close coworker had her one year old there and i wanted to see and kiss her, so i did, but it was uncomfortable and weird to be in there. i only went up because the office was nearly empty since it is a friday, but i really didnt like being there and hid from as many people as possible. i hate that feeling--moving to a new place and not feeling comfortable there and then going back to the old place and realizing that it isnt home anymore either. but it was wonderful, wonderful, wonderful to see sonia.

after work, though, i was hit with major urges to go drink. i dont have the pup this weekend and could easily stay out until the wee hours of the morning and it just seemed really attractive. i got really overwhelmed and decided to go to a 630 meeting before my regularly scheduled 830 meeting. it was fairly good. it was a big book meeting so we read a story from the book and then shared. i hate sharing, even though i know it's good for me. but i always feel compelled to share when someone speaks about having five years and that they've been away from meetings for a while and are coming back because life started to be come uncomfortable. i want to be their cautionary tale. i want to help someone else so that they dont have to go as far down the rabbit hole as i did. and someone shared exactly that, so i had to tell my story. and then i shared about how different life has been since i got that taste of alcohol, that feeling of being drunk, back in my life, and how i havent been able to really let it go since. i hope it helped. i think it did help me to get it out there, at least.

i still wanted to drink, though, until someone shared about their baby. i so want a family. i really do. and i was struck by the realization that yeah, i'm not ready for one right now, and that's too bad, and i COULD drink over it... but that the decisions and actions i make right now are going to do one of two things: they are going to either help me toward my goal (or the possibility of it at least) or push me further from it. i'm not ready for a family right now because i'm still remembering how to take care of myself. the longer i spend out there, drinking, in bars or what not, the longer it is going to take for me to get to the point where i'm responsible and adult and ready enough to entertain the possibilities of the things that i want. so i've got to stay the course. i've got to.

and then i went to the second meeting. and it. fucking. rocked. it was so good. it really knocked me over with all the inspiration and strength and truth and blessings i took from it. i'm so grateful. i was walking home, thinking about my renewed sense of willingness, when i was hit again by the idea of going out and drinking. man, it sounded good. but i somehow managed not to entertain the thought, not to let the thought ruminate and grow and tempt, and steered my mind in a different direction. not even one of hope--just a different direction. i just made myself think loudly of different things. and i am home, and i am sober, and i am glad.

Day Seventeen

work today was better than it's been, because my work neighbor, grace, has warmed up to me, and because i knew what to do. i'm basically a glorified intern at this point so it's pretty stupid shit but at least i can do it well. i didnt get to a meeting because i had group therapy after work and then my friend valerie's art exhibit at the brooklyn museum. group was stressful because i told them about my job and dr hapworth said "so it's a recovery job" and i said no, this is just what i'm going to do. stupid shit. it's what i plan on doing. because i'm dumb. and have no passions or aspirations. that set off a fun conversation (sarcasm). bleh.

luckily i ran into katie at the exhibit and she said some things that really helped. she said that knitting is her passion (she makes awesome masks) but that she only started two years ago. that after she got sober she tried a bunch of things until she found it. so maybe there is hope for me yet.

maybe. i'm not going to hold my breath.

Day Fifteen

today was crazy! second day at the new job. and i felt very out of place. i felt like a bother. like i should know what i should be doing, and i didnt. i had to keep asking for tasks, which makes me feel annoying. everyone was very nice, but i dont have any friends yet, and just felt very unsure and nervous for the entire day. it's new job stuff, and i know it will get better. and then it was someone's last day, so we had a bit of social time, and i ate two cupcakes, which made me feel disgusting. so i felt alone, overwhelmed, and fat. plus my feet hurt from wearing shoes. nothing too bad but i felt just overwhelmed with feelings and insecurities. but my wonderful katie texted me and asked if i wanted to both meet her at a meeting and then go out to dinner after and i said yes. so that was A PHENOMENAL DECISION. the meeting itself, honestly, was super boring. and completely unrelated to the meeting and entirely stemming from an overflow of emotions, i cried for a while. but then we went out to dinner and OH MY GOD her friend worked in children's publishing up until three months ago when she left for some of the same reasons i did and went to work in an unrelated field and had gone through the EXACT SAME THINGS I DID. not at fifteen days sober, but still. it was SO GOOD to hear what i already knew, that it would get better, from someone who had just been through the exact same thing. really, it was amazing.

AND THEN. and then i called my mom. and i told her everything that has been going on. and oh my god i can't even express how wonderful she was. she said she wasnt disappointed in me at all, that everyone slips up sometimes, and that she was so proud of me for doing the right things to get back on track. and i told her how much i love aa right now, and how i finally feel like i'm part of a community here in brooklyn, and it was just so fucking great. so. fucking. great. i'm so relieved.

also, the posts on facebook in response to my "new girl" status update made me feel really warm and loved.

so, a roller coaster of a day. and i got through it, with all its ups and downs. i'm grateful and happy for that.

TWO WEEKS!

it's day fourteen! that means i havent drank for two weeks! i bet it will start feeling normal soon. today i started new job. it was pretty good. not awesome, not bad. there are a lot of nice people. i hope some of them want to be friends with me. everyone was pretty quiet but i was very friendly and hopefully people will like me. if they dont, well, at least i'm getting paid better. oh, one super shitty thing is that health insurance kicks in thirty days after i start -- at the next first of the month. so not until august first. which means i have to get cobra for TWO months. oy. shitty and annoying BUT. it's worth it. so i'm going to complain a little and then move on. there's nothing else i can do so. it is what it is.

after work i ran like hell to my meeting and got there late, but was there for enough to feel better after. but walking home, i was just kind of stressed and tired, and hit with a hard WANT TO DRINK urge. but i didnt, and i have to think that every time i want to drink and dont drink, it's a learning experience, a reminder that i dont have to do something just because i want to, and that the feeling will pass.

Day Thirteen

i love my sober friends!! i didnt know WHAT i was doing today, except that i was going to go to a meeting tonight, and my friend valerie just called. she's meeting a friend to go to a stoop sale in park slope, followed by a sober birthday party at prospect park, followed by coffee with katie, followed by a meeting. and she invited me to come along for any or all. and frankly it sounds awesome. i totally want to go be outside but tommy and i just came back from the dog run and it is too hot for the poor guy out there. i wanted to get him groomed today but apparently i shouldnt have waited until the last possible minute to try to get an appointment. poor tommy. he's so hot in all that fur. so anyway, yeah, it seems like it will be a good day.

and then new job tomorrow. :(

Day Twelve

well yesterday was an awesome day, full of sunshine and dog parks and crossfit, and i stayed sober, but i didnt tell my parents about my relapse. because when i woke up there was a text message from my mom saying that my aunt had to have emergency surgery. it was major surgery but a quick recovery time. so now i feel like i dont want to drop another bomb on my mom's lap. with concern that i was taking the easy way out by not doing something i didnt want to do anyway, i checked in with a couple of people, who all said it was okay to wait. today i spoke to my sponsor about it, and she told me to find some quiet time today to think about it and then to call her so we can discuss again. i havent actually done that yet, but i will.

also. there is this boy that i met at the Stupid Little Fucking Bar who likes me and i like being with him so i hung out with him a couple of times and we were supposed to go out to dinner tuesday but then when katie wanted to meet me at the meeting i postponed until today and it has been on my mind. because i'm not really supposed to date right now. dating in early sobriety is ill advised, and i understand why. i'm supposed to be concentrating on myself, and making myself okay with feeling feelings and what not, and if i'm dating someone then i very well might be filled with happy feelings that aren't genuinely about life and learning to be okay but are just filling up the hole inside of me with relationship stuff. besides, i'm just not my best self right now. i need time for that. so if this relationship is supposed to happen, it will be better to hold off until i'm in a better place. oh, but i did tell him, earlier this week, about my problems with alcohol. so anyway i texted him and said that i needed a raincheck, and maybe we can have dinner in a few months instead. and as soon as i sent it i felt better and realized i didnt even care what he said back. that if he was going to be a jerk about it--whatever. and he was a little incredulous but not a jerk. but you know what? i also dont think i really even like him, not the way i should. i like being with him, but that's not the same thing at all. so this was definitely for the best.

when i told katie, though, she was like, yes, that is great, except, in the future, you should probably check in with me first. not in a scolding way, but in a, this is how you are going to learn to be less impulsive and more contemplative way. so, oops. yes, i should have done that. and i know why i didnt... it's because although i did mention him to her once a couple of weeks ago, i didnt want to tell her i was kind of stringing him along without an answer one way or the other until i figured out what i wanted to do. so that was not the most honest behavior ive ever had. but i'm glad it's over, because it's the one thing ive felt uncomfortable with, because i didnt want to tell her, and now i told her, and i told him, and so yay.

still not sure how things are going to shake out with my parents. i guess my aunt is upset and worried she wont ever walk normally again. so today isnt the right time. but i know i do have to tell them.

Day Ten

i am sober. it is day ten. but it has been a monster of a day.

not all a bad monster. i just way overextended myself. after having too little to do earlier in the week, and after how well yesterday went, i was excited to go out today because it was packed to the brim. i had individual therapy at 12:30; lunch with lovely ex-coworker katniss at 1:30; hang out in union square with my favorite greg after lunch; coffee with a woman from aa who used to work at the company i'm starting at monday; group therapy at 6; and a meeting at night.

jesus though. even typing all that out exhausted me. and it was like ninety fucking degrees out. by the time i got to greg i was a little on edge. i still had a blast, and then i had a very nice time at coffee, but then i was late to group and then i totally missed the meeting i wanted to go to at night because the train was slow and then i FREAKED OUT because i thought i was going to miss the last meeting of the night in my area, and my phone was dead, and i couldnt find out where it was, so i went, panicked, into a convenience store and he let me charge my phone and i got all worked up and stopped home quickly because i couldnt decide whether i should try to make it even though i was going to be late because it was a ways away and then went and paced in the bus stop, waiting for either a bus or a cab to take me to the meeting. this doesnt sound so bad. but it felt terrible. i was on the verge on an anxiety attack and i called my sponsor and was just like I AM WAITING FOR A BUS OR A TAXI BECAUSE I JUST NEED TO GET TO THIS MEETING BECAUSE THEN EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY BUT I JUST HAVE TO GET THERE AND OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO BE LATE and blah blah blah. and then finally the bus came and i swear, i must have looked crazy because people kept looking at me weird, and then i finally got to the right street and couldnt find it and tripped on uneven sidewalk and landed on the ground and then i finally found it and it was an apartment building and it was locked and i couldnt get in so i sat down in front and started tearing up in a panic because I HAD MADE IT ALL THIS WAY AND COULDNT GET TO THE MEETING and this kind man came up to me and was like "are you looking for a meeting" (gee i wonder what gave it away) and pointed to the door NEXT to where i was. and there was the meeting. and i missed half of it and didnt get that much out of it, to be honest, except that it allowed me to quiet my thoughts and just listen and center myself for a bit.

so that was crazy. i'm not sure i'm getting all the crazy across. of course, nothing was actually wrong. i just made myself all worked up over nothing. but i didnt even think about drinking, so that was an improvement. and then on the way home i got to speak to katie. she is so, so awesome. she said lots of things, like "easy does it" (omg if only!) and that she wants me to do a ninety in ninety--ninety meetings in ninety days, as is the plan--but not to the point where i'm going to drink over it. she pointed out that that kind of defeats the purpose. and that i need to remember that the goal is not to do aa perfectly. that i dont have to worry about getting an A in aa. that it's not about that. that we're working toward things and we get better but we dont have to worry about perfection. it's just not about that.

i feel a million times better. i'm still hyped up but i feel better. and also, katie pointed out how fucking far i've come--that i didnt want to drink tonight.

oh yeah. also. my therapist said i have to tell my parents about the relapse. i said i would do it tomorrow. i definitely want to speak to my sponsor first, though, so it might have to wait until saturday. but fucking a, man.

Day Nine

day nine was awesome! in the morning, i finished up some work for caitlyn, even though i dont work at S&S anymore, because i wanted to help her out on one final manuscript since she doesnt have a new assistant yet, and that made me feel both productive and good. then i went to crossfit for the first time in about five weeks. then i went to bryant park and hung out with one of my best friends, andrew, who is amazing and wonderful. and then i came back and went to a meeting. great, great day.

Day Eight

i am sober. it is day eight. and it is FUCKING CRAZY how my moods can change. i was so fucking pissed that i agree to meet katie tonight. i wanted to drink, and if i couldnt do that, then i wanted to do nothing. but i said i would be there, at the 715 meeting, and i am a woman of my word, and i show up when i say i'm going to show up, so i went. moodily and pouting.

and then the speaker just lit up my heart and my mind with his story and experience. i dont know how these meetings do it but they do. they fill me with strength and gratitude and remind me of WHAT i'm doing and WHY i'm doing it and that i CAN. and i sat with katie, who is just a beacon of life and health, and i soaked it up all. knowing how i had felt when i got there, i decided that if katie wanted to get food after i would go with her but otherwise i would stay for the second meeting. then at the end of the first meeting jesse showed up, and then katie decided to stay, and suddenly i was sitting between the two of them and i just felt so good, so supported, so safe.

there are lots of different people who attend meetings, and i've met people with all sorts of time under their belt and all sorts of sobriety. it's funny. when i first started going again, a few weeks ago, it was like there was me, and then there was everyone else, in terms of sobriety. i was on one end and then there was everyone else. but of course, it isnt really like that. "everyone else" is made up of individuals who fall all along the spectrum, from crazy and sick to healthy and well. and so some of the people ive been talking to, and am now friends with, are not people with the kind of sobriety i want. they're working their own program and i wish them the best but they're not role models for me, in particular. but somehow i was lucky enough to wind up with these two girls who are, yes, crazy alcoholics like the rest of us--but also remarkably wonderful people who have done really amazing things and are so kind, and so willing to help. i'm so, so blessed.

Day Seven

i guess it's technically day eight! so that's nice. today was pretty rad. but first, last night. i went to a really awesome meeting to celebrate my friend jesse's seven years of sobriety. she has been a really awesome friend to me these past few weeks and it was amazing to see her up there talking about where she's been and where she is now and how she got there. something weird happened though. back in december i went out on three dates with a guy i met from okcupid. he was sober. i decided i didnt like him and ended it. and then last night he was there. and he was totally cool to me and very nice but i was uncomfortable to the ninth degree about it. he said, "how are you?" and i said, "well i relapsed"--just to put it all out there. i think my intentions were kind of like "see how lucky you were to get away??" and i think i made that point loud and clear. anyway it was just weird, because i loved the meeting, actually, but also think of it has HIS meeting now, and am nervous about going again. but i did go out with people after. he didnt come, and i had a great time, and was out past midnight so didnt go home until a point when i felt safe to be alone, so that was awesome. i posted a picture of me and jesse on facebook. it's the one under the giant clock on the wall haha. she is great. and then i suddenly realized that to get home from there i "had" to walk past the bar i had been frequenting, and i told her that, and she said she was going to drive me home anyway. and she did. <3 she is a really good person.

while i was out last night i made plans with a girl i just met to meet her a meeting today and then go to a sober picnic in the park. so we went to the meeting, then came home to pick up tommy, and then went to the park. it was fun. i wasnt COMPLETELY comfortable because i didnt feel like i knew that many people but it was great to see some people i did know, to meet others, and to be out in the sun for a few hours with tommy. sun always makes me feel good.

then tonight, though, i went to a friend's to watch arrested development. and the friend knows that i have been in recovery for years but not that i drank recently, so it wasnt weird for me not to drink. but there were other people there, including someone who... was really cool and who i liked a lot and who brought wine blah blah blah. someone who asked what i was drinking and i had to say "water." oy. that was challenging.

Day Six

i am sober. it is day six. i slept until noon and i'm still just fucking exhausted. i have to remember that it was just earlier this week that i was at the bar until closing and that i'm still catching up on sleep and that i will feel better soon. i went to a five pm meeting and am about to head to an eight thirty meeting. a new friend, who has been very wonderful to me, is celebrating her anniversary. and it's good to go to a later meeting, since the nights tend to be the most uneasy time for me, but i'm so comfy on my bed and the book i'm reading is so good and i'd love to stay here instead. but, it is what it is. i made a commitment and ive got to go. but hell if i'm not going to whine about it first. :)

today was interesting. the meeting was actually... not great. it was another anniversary meeting. (they tend to all be at the end of the month.) i guess what you get from each meeting and each speaker depends on them and depends on you, but today was just odd. the first speaker started talking about how he felt when he was drinking and then i wasnt able to focus on anything else. because that is the feeling i still want, and havent yet found again sober, and it was upsetting. and then someone with however many years started talking and for the first time, the five years that i threw away really hit me, and i broke down. i dont believe they were for nothing or that i really lost them or that i didnt learn things that i can now tap into, but... for all intents and purposes, i feel like ive had to start over, and that is pretty upsetting when i let myself think about it. that, combined with the urges to go drink, put me over the edge for a bit. i mean, i have six days... which can feel like a miracle... or it can feel like absolutely nothing. like why not take one more night out? what's six days when i threw away five years?

it's good to admit that i'm feeling like this, though, because i know that these insidious thoughts are bullshit. that i'm incapable of going out for one night and coming back tomorrow--i do believe that's become abundantly clear--and that... i dont even know. i just know that i have to keep going.

I Fucking Hate This

i had a good day. meeting in the morning followed by fellowship. took a long nap, which left me extremely groggy and out of it but i am still catching up on sleep so whatever. then a woman's meeting followed by fellowship. i felt really good there. warm and safe. but the second i left everyone to walk home i was hit with cravings and urges. they are really strong. i want to drink like whoa. i want to go to the Stupid Little Fucking Bar and sit on the stool and drink and drink and drink. it is whelming. is that a word? i wrote overwhelming at first but i guess it's not, because i'm sitting with it and feeling it and not giving into it, but it sure is strong. i have to remember that i'm starting a new job next tuesday. no part of me thinks that if i go drink tonight i wont also go drink tomorrow night. i cant do this to myself again. i cant. but it's like i'm bursting with WANT and i just want it to go away.

Day Five

i am sober. it is day five. my plan was to go to crossfit but... it's so hard for me to form new patterns. i was awake but groggy. and everyone keeps telling me about this saturday morning third step meeting which was supposed to be so great, so i decided to check that out instead.

so i rushed like crazy to get ready and went on over, and by the time i got halfway down the block i just felt so grateful, so lucky. every day i'm sober feels like a miracle. and i'm so fucking lucky that i'm doing this in the middle of park slope. there are fantastic meetings every day of the week within, like, a five block radius of my apartment. people travel all the way from bayridge at one end and from manhattan on the other to go to these meetings, and i can roll out of bed and walk three blocks. the universe could not have made getting sober any more convenient than it is, and i appreciate that.

so i went to this meeting and it was huge and it was wonderful. and then i went to fellowship with people i didnt know and they were wonderful too. and sitting there with all these welcoming sober people, well, at first i was really shy. i have a hard time initiating conversation and even participating in it if i'm not comfortable. but gradually the walls come down and by the time we finished eating i was positively giddy. it was a smidge uncomfortable until i realized what it was: i was HAPPY. i felt GOOD about myself and where i'm at. and the thing is, i really like having fun and being happy, but part of drinking is pushing everything down. being sad, being happy. it all gets pushed down. so now i'm feeling things and i'm feeling good and later i might not feel good but i think it's important to recognize it all, to accept it, because it's all fine, no matter what it is.

now i'm relaxing in bed with tommy. i am going to a 6 PM women's meeting later. it might seem like too many meetings but i do feel like this is a very important time to stay vigilant. it's the first day of my vacation. i could get into a lot of trouble. or, i could use the free time to meet people and put myself out there and learn about how to be the person i want to be.

Day Four

i am sober. it is day four. it was a CRAZY INTENSE AND STRESSFUL DAY. it was my last day at S&S and there was SO MUCH TO DO. so. much. to. do. i wanted to get so many things done that i put off the packing and cleaning until the end and... i did not leave enough time for those tasks. also, the building was basically empty because today was the first summer friday, and before a long weekend, so nearly everyone was out. which was good for my productivity but bad for my morale. i got several emails from people who were out of the office who said they didnt know i was leaving and that they wished they could say goodbye in person but they were out. and most people probably wont even see caitlyn's email until monday. so that kind of sucked. luckily, one of my two work besties was there, and she helped me pack up books for a while, in a very organized fashion. but when she left for the day is when i got kind of insane and panicky.

katie, my sponsor, had texted earlier, though, and asked me to meet for dinner before the meeting, and i had said yes, so there was a hard stop time of 630... which ended up being perfect, but caused me crazy stress when i didnt think i would be done in time. but anyway, i did, and i took the subway back to brooklyn, and all the stress and exhaustion caught up with me and i got sick. just nauseated and barfy and gross. and i was going to cancel on katie but decided to go... and oh my god. i'm so glad i did. first of all, i dont think ive mentioned how much i adore katie. she's just fucking awesome. she's smart and funny and quick and fun and she has so much great knowledge and experience and she WANTS TO SHARE IT ALL WITH ME! i am so lucky. she always knows the right thing to say and is down to earth and wildly creative and is just the best. so dinner was super great, even though i was really exhausted and out of it and it probably wasn't as much fun for her. :) but after, i felt so, so much better.

and then the meeting. see, the thing is, there are all different sorts of meetings. both in their format and in how much of an impact they have on me and all that jazz. and tonight's was incredible. it really was. it made me feel good and inspired and i related to so many things and i just felt empowered and lighter after. i'm not even nervous that i'm going to go drink, even though it's 10 pm on a friday at the beginning of my vacation. i just dont feel like i need it. i feel like what i have now is too good to give up.

One More Thing Before I Go to Sleep

it's bad. it's really fucking bad. the urge to drink. i'm going to go to sleep and tomorrow i'm going to wake up and be thrilled that it's day four... but right now, it's really fucking bad. i want to get out of bed and go to the bar in my pjs. and i kind of love that i could do that. that i'm comfortable enough there to wear my pajamas and dont give a shit about anyone who would mind. and i can picture it and feel it and i want it. i also want to act like everything is fine and i dont feel this way... but more than that, i want to remember. i want to remember every ounce of the frustration and hurt and anxiety so i dont put myself back here again.

i realized the other day that although i only drank for about a month, the problem has gone on for much longer. that ive been suffering from untreated alcoholism since november or so. that the act of taking that first drink was just the final straw. an inevitable straw. but the depression, the food, the isolation... they're all symptoms. when i look at it that way, these last few weeks are a sort of blessing. because they are forcing me to deal with the problem head on. it just sucks that i had to sink so deep into the problem because now i feel like i'm still just trying to swim to the surface, rather than holding my head above water. but i know, i KNOW, that as long as i dont drink, i'm going to end up in a much better place than i was. that the person i want to be doesnt drink, true--but she also has a whole lot of other things going for her that i have to rediscover and reclaim. the water is just too murky to see through at the moment.

Hungry Angry Lonely Tired

the mantra in my head as i walked home: i want to drink i want to drink i want to drink i want to drink.

really pleasant.

i had group therapy at 6 PM and it was pretty cool. i'm so glad i am doing it. i got to say I AM THREE DAYS SOBER!!! which rocked. it really does feel like a miracle. but the drinking earlier in the week, the fact that i stayed out until past 2 a bunch of days in a row up to and including monday night, is still catching up to me. i'm just exhausted.

aa has a million cliches and expressions. and one of the things they say, that my sponsor reminded me of tonight, is HALT: that i am more likely to drink--or at least to want to drink--when i am hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. and i was starving, and exhausted. not angry at least. :) but i couldnt get it out of my head. i couldnt stop picturing myself sitting at that bar and ordering my second drink. second, because, i dont like ordering my first drink. it always takes too long and then i still dont feel good until it's done. so the second drink is much better... although i guess around four or five is my sweet spot... okay, see, this is the wrong path for my mind to go down, and this is where it keeps traveling.

my therapist has renamed the bar, though. he calls it Stupid Little Fucking Bar. and i have to say, i remember that, and it feels awfully dumb to TRULY consider going someplace being referred to as the Stupid Little Fucking Bar. it adds a level of embarrassment. that i know if i go then i'm going to have to tell him i went to the Stupid Little Fucking Bar. who wants to say that?

so instead of going out i called my sponsor and went and got ramen soup from this really awesome ramen noodle place and came home to see tommy.

and for better or worse--and i'm going to argue that it's for the better--i havent been able to forget this past weekend, how dreadful it became, how hopeless it felt. how recently it was. that this is, for all intents and purposes, my one and only chance to keep the job i'm about to start. that if i go out and drink tonight i'm totally and utterly fucked, because i wont stop until... i dont know when, but definitely not until ive been fired from the new gig. i can guarantee that. because it took over a week of solid attempts to stop this time. i can't do that to myself again.

Day Three

i am sober. today is day three. i am starting to feel more like myself and it feels like an unbelievable blessing. it's so scary, when in the shit, to forget who i am and how i feel and what i can do. to think i'll never get it back. when i think about this weekend, and earlier this week, i get really overwhelmed. when i think about tomorrow, or next week, i get really overwhelmed. but when i think about today, right now, i feel okay. so as long as i can stay here in this moment i know i've got way more than a fighting chance.

last night: meeting --> fellowship --> home. it was, again, hard to sit in the meeting. i was starting to drink every day around 7:30 or so, and it is a real challenge when that time comes around to let the urges go by. so much of me wants to pop up and run out. that's what feels natural. but i'm already forging new habits and behaviors and soon enough they'll start to feel right, i bet.

tonight i have group therapy, which was really super fun last week despite the fact that i was only on day one and knew i wouldnt last the day. when i saw my therapist for individual therapy on tuesday, the first thing he said was, "day?" and i had to tell him i was still on day one. that was fucking hard. but today i get to say, day three. and you better fucking believe i'm going to say it louder and with my head held high. i'm moving in the right direction. sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly, but i'm moving.

The Top 10 Lies My Alcoholic Brain Tells Me

1. I have one full day sober. This wasn't so bad. I can do it anytime. If I drink tonight, I can get sober tomorrow.
2. This is a lot of work, and I'm either a) not worth it or b) not capable of doing it.
3. There are people at the bar who would love to see me, and it would be worth taking the risk just to feel "part of" again.
4. I was overreacting, and drinking is fun. Drinking makes me feel good. Drinking makes me feel better.
5. Now that I've eaten a bagel and a chocolate bar and who the fuck even remembers what else, I may as well get drunk. You know there's no difference, Tomato. You know you've already screwed yourself.
6. Look at how you feel. You feel like shit. You can't even think. You don't want to live like this. And you know what would make it all okay.
7. You've already fucked up too much. There's no coming back from this.
8. My actions have no effect on anyone else. I'm only hurting myself.
9. I could still drink and be a productive member of society. I could. I just wasn't trying hard enough.
10. You will feel the way you feel right now, for forever, unless you drink again.

Day Two

i am sober. today is day two. yesterday was one of the most difficult days of my life. there was so much pain and fear that i felt like i could barely breathe, let alone work, all day. i had therapy in the morning and told him that although yes, i was still trying to string twenty-four hours together, today was the day. he basically told me that i'm not going to get sober for my new job and that i'm going to be fired. okay. i like a challenge. (this might make him sound awful. but he's not. he's actually incredibly brilliant and helpful.) after work, i met my sponsor at a meeting, and it was incredibly hard to sit there. for starters it was so, so hot. i was sweaty and uncomfortable and fidgety to the ninth degree. when it ended, at 7:30, i had to run out of the room because i felt like i was going to explode out of my skin. but i didnt leave. i sat outside, and waited for katie, my sponsor. she introduced me to more people, and one of them asked if anyone wanted to go for food. i never met her before, but i knew i couldnt be by myself, so i went, and then katie decided to join us.

it was awesome.

they are so funny, and so silly. at one point, they were walking ahead of me and being really hysterical and i almost wept with the realization that they were having so much fun, so much more fun than i've had at any point during the past month, drunk or not. sober fun. i had forgotten about that. i had five years and i couldnt remember any of it.

i want that.

we went and ate and it was great. they were fun and smart and helpful and kind. then katie had to go home but jesse was meeting other people for ice cream. and it was only about nine. i didnt want to drink but i didnt feel safe. so i went. and we even stopped home so i could bring tommy. so we went and we talked more and then i went home and . . . i stayed sober. and for right now, that's really all i give a shit about. (seriously. you should see the amount of food i've been eating. i can't concentrate on everything at once, and i know where my priorities have to be.)

i'm still not super clear. my head, that is. but that's okay. because i'm not going to drink today, and tomorrow will be even better. and even if it isnt, i dont have to drink. thats the part i had really forgotten about in my month of giving into every impulse that came into my head: that just because i have an urge, that just because i feel uncomfortable, doesnt mean i have to do anything. i cant help the thoughts and the feelings and the desires. all i can control is what i do with them. and for today, i choose to let them be.

i've also decided to bite the bullet (is that the wrong expression?/so cloudy) and opt in for cobra for a month. it's $600, which i dont really have to spare, but otherwise i cant go to therapy for five weeks, and i think it's worth it. and today so far? i feel good.

Day One

from yesterday, day one, because i dont want to ever forget:

i am having a really fucking hard time. ive been drinking every night, staying out, usually by myself, at bars, until at least two am, for weeks. i am working really hard at turning things around, though. i started going to aa a week ago, and have gone to one or two meetings every day since then. im reaching out to people in the program--taking numbers, keeping in touch with people. i got a sponsor. i talk to her every day. i switched therapists to an addiction specialist and am going once a week. i'm also seeing him for group therapy once a week. and i cant fucking stop drinking. i go to aa each night, and then i go out to coffee or dinner or whatever with aa people, and then i leave and go to the bar. my head is cloudy, all the time, and i always feel sick. not hungover, just, my digestion is all fucked up from drinking so much. and i dont want to do this. i want to stop. and i know how that sounds and i know i just have to, i just have to stop--and i'm going to. today. i completely understand why people go to rehab, frankly, because i feel like i just need a little bit of space, a day or two between drinks and then i will be able to turn that into more and stay sober, but i dont have health insurance as of this weekend because i'm switching jobs. and i'm completely, totally terrified that i'm not going to be able to stop before i leave simon & schuster, when i have a week of vacation, because if i dont stop before then, i am going to be there every single night until the bar closes. there just isnt another way around it. i have to stop, NOW, or that's what is going to happen. and there is no, no, no chance i can start a new job in this condition. i cant even do the job i'm leaving. i am completely and utterly useless like this.

so i have to stop. i have to stop today. i mean it with every fucking fiber of my being, but i'm totally scared, because ive meant it before, and then it's like this switch flips and i go on autopilot and end up at the bar. but, i have a meeting planned for tonight, and my sponsor will be there, and i'm just not going to drink. i'm seriously not going to fucking drink.

but yeah. i'm really fucking scared.