Day Two

i am sober. today is day two. yesterday was one of the most difficult days of my life. there was so much pain and fear that i felt like i could barely breathe, let alone work, all day. i had therapy in the morning and told him that although yes, i was still trying to string twenty-four hours together, today was the day. he basically told me that i'm not going to get sober for my new job and that i'm going to be fired. okay. i like a challenge. (this might make him sound awful. but he's not. he's actually incredibly brilliant and helpful.) after work, i met my sponsor at a meeting, and it was incredibly hard to sit there. for starters it was so, so hot. i was sweaty and uncomfortable and fidgety to the ninth degree. when it ended, at 7:30, i had to run out of the room because i felt like i was going to explode out of my skin. but i didnt leave. i sat outside, and waited for katie, my sponsor. she introduced me to more people, and one of them asked if anyone wanted to go for food. i never met her before, but i knew i couldnt be by myself, so i went, and then katie decided to join us.

it was awesome.

they are so funny, and so silly. at one point, they were walking ahead of me and being really hysterical and i almost wept with the realization that they were having so much fun, so much more fun than i've had at any point during the past month, drunk or not. sober fun. i had forgotten about that. i had five years and i couldnt remember any of it.

i want that.

we went and ate and it was great. they were fun and smart and helpful and kind. then katie had to go home but jesse was meeting other people for ice cream. and it was only about nine. i didnt want to drink but i didnt feel safe. so i went. and we even stopped home so i could bring tommy. so we went and we talked more and then i went home and . . . i stayed sober. and for right now, that's really all i give a shit about. (seriously. you should see the amount of food i've been eating. i can't concentrate on everything at once, and i know where my priorities have to be.)

i'm still not super clear. my head, that is. but that's okay. because i'm not going to drink today, and tomorrow will be even better. and even if it isnt, i dont have to drink. thats the part i had really forgotten about in my month of giving into every impulse that came into my head: that just because i have an urge, that just because i feel uncomfortable, doesnt mean i have to do anything. i cant help the thoughts and the feelings and the desires. all i can control is what i do with them. and for today, i choose to let them be.

i've also decided to bite the bullet (is that the wrong expression?/so cloudy) and opt in for cobra for a month. it's $600, which i dont really have to spare, but otherwise i cant go to therapy for five weeks, and i think it's worth it. and today so far? i feel good.