Day Six

i am sober. it is day six. i slept until noon and i'm still just fucking exhausted. i have to remember that it was just earlier this week that i was at the bar until closing and that i'm still catching up on sleep and that i will feel better soon. i went to a five pm meeting and am about to head to an eight thirty meeting. a new friend, who has been very wonderful to me, is celebrating her anniversary. and it's good to go to a later meeting, since the nights tend to be the most uneasy time for me, but i'm so comfy on my bed and the book i'm reading is so good and i'd love to stay here instead. but, it is what it is. i made a commitment and ive got to go. but hell if i'm not going to whine about it first. :)

today was interesting. the meeting was actually... not great. it was another anniversary meeting. (they tend to all be at the end of the month.) i guess what you get from each meeting and each speaker depends on them and depends on you, but today was just odd. the first speaker started talking about how he felt when he was drinking and then i wasnt able to focus on anything else. because that is the feeling i still want, and havent yet found again sober, and it was upsetting. and then someone with however many years started talking and for the first time, the five years that i threw away really hit me, and i broke down. i dont believe they were for nothing or that i really lost them or that i didnt learn things that i can now tap into, but... for all intents and purposes, i feel like ive had to start over, and that is pretty upsetting when i let myself think about it. that, combined with the urges to go drink, put me over the edge for a bit. i mean, i have six days... which can feel like a miracle... or it can feel like absolutely nothing. like why not take one more night out? what's six days when i threw away five years?

it's good to admit that i'm feeling like this, though, because i know that these insidious thoughts are bullshit. that i'm incapable of going out for one night and coming back tomorrow--i do believe that's become abundantly clear--and that... i dont even know. i just know that i have to keep going.