it's bad. it's really fucking bad. the urge to drink. i'm going to go to sleep and tomorrow i'm going to wake up and be thrilled that it's day four... but right now, it's really fucking bad. i want to get out of bed and go to the bar in my pjs. and i kind of love that i could do that. that i'm comfortable enough there to wear my pajamas and dont give a shit about anyone who would mind. and i can picture it and feel it and i want it. i also want to act like everything is fine and i dont feel this way... but more than that, i want to remember. i want to remember every ounce of the frustration and hurt and anxiety so i dont put myself back here again.
i realized the other day that although i only drank for about a month, the problem has gone on for much longer. that ive been suffering from untreated alcoholism since november or so. that the act of taking that first drink was just the final straw. an inevitable straw. but the depression, the food, the isolation... they're all symptoms. when i look at it that way, these last few weeks are a sort of blessing. because they are forcing me to deal with the problem head on. it just sucks that i had to sink so deep into the problem because now i feel like i'm still just trying to swim to the surface, rather than holding my head above water. but i know, i KNOW, that as long as i dont drink, i'm going to end up in a much better place than i was. that the person i want to be doesnt drink, true--but she also has a whole lot of other things going for her that i have to rediscover and reclaim. the water is just too murky to see through at the moment.
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