Day Five

i am sober. it is day five. my plan was to go to crossfit but... it's so hard for me to form new patterns. i was awake but groggy. and everyone keeps telling me about this saturday morning third step meeting which was supposed to be so great, so i decided to check that out instead.

so i rushed like crazy to get ready and went on over, and by the time i got halfway down the block i just felt so grateful, so lucky. every day i'm sober feels like a miracle. and i'm so fucking lucky that i'm doing this in the middle of park slope. there are fantastic meetings every day of the week within, like, a five block radius of my apartment. people travel all the way from bayridge at one end and from manhattan on the other to go to these meetings, and i can roll out of bed and walk three blocks. the universe could not have made getting sober any more convenient than it is, and i appreciate that.

so i went to this meeting and it was huge and it was wonderful. and then i went to fellowship with people i didnt know and they were wonderful too. and sitting there with all these welcoming sober people, well, at first i was really shy. i have a hard time initiating conversation and even participating in it if i'm not comfortable. but gradually the walls come down and by the time we finished eating i was positively giddy. it was a smidge uncomfortable until i realized what it was: i was HAPPY. i felt GOOD about myself and where i'm at. and the thing is, i really like having fun and being happy, but part of drinking is pushing everything down. being sad, being happy. it all gets pushed down. so now i'm feeling things and i'm feeling good and later i might not feel good but i think it's important to recognize it all, to accept it, because it's all fine, no matter what it is.

now i'm relaxing in bed with tommy. i am going to a 6 PM women's meeting later. it might seem like too many meetings but i do feel like this is a very important time to stay vigilant. it's the first day of my vacation. i could get into a lot of trouble. or, i could use the free time to meet people and put myself out there and learn about how to be the person i want to be.