Hungry Angry Lonely Tired

the mantra in my head as i walked home: i want to drink i want to drink i want to drink i want to drink.

really pleasant.

i had group therapy at 6 PM and it was pretty cool. i'm so glad i am doing it. i got to say I AM THREE DAYS SOBER!!! which rocked. it really does feel like a miracle. but the drinking earlier in the week, the fact that i stayed out until past 2 a bunch of days in a row up to and including monday night, is still catching up to me. i'm just exhausted.

aa has a million cliches and expressions. and one of the things they say, that my sponsor reminded me of tonight, is HALT: that i am more likely to drink--or at least to want to drink--when i am hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. and i was starving, and exhausted. not angry at least. :) but i couldnt get it out of my head. i couldnt stop picturing myself sitting at that bar and ordering my second drink. second, because, i dont like ordering my first drink. it always takes too long and then i still dont feel good until it's done. so the second drink is much better... although i guess around four or five is my sweet spot... okay, see, this is the wrong path for my mind to go down, and this is where it keeps traveling.

my therapist has renamed the bar, though. he calls it Stupid Little Fucking Bar. and i have to say, i remember that, and it feels awfully dumb to TRULY consider going someplace being referred to as the Stupid Little Fucking Bar. it adds a level of embarrassment. that i know if i go then i'm going to have to tell him i went to the Stupid Little Fucking Bar. who wants to say that?

so instead of going out i called my sponsor and went and got ramen soup from this really awesome ramen noodle place and came home to see tommy.

and for better or worse--and i'm going to argue that it's for the better--i havent been able to forget this past weekend, how dreadful it became, how hopeless it felt. how recently it was. that this is, for all intents and purposes, my one and only chance to keep the job i'm about to start. that if i go out and drink tonight i'm totally and utterly fucked, because i wont stop until... i dont know when, but definitely not until ive been fired from the new gig. i can guarantee that. because it took over a week of solid attempts to stop this time. i can't do that to myself again.