Day Thirty-Nine

the thing about blogging about my life is that when i miss a few days it's hard to know where to start. there are lots of things i want to share. i guess i do know where i need to start. the repercussions of not going to sara's wedding really threw me for a loop. basically, i've been feeling like the whole situation is very urgent, and katie strongly feels that i shouldnt do ANYTHING when i feel urgency. that even though i am uncomfortable, i have to sit through it. there's more, too. that it's sara's first week married and i shouldnt make it about me. and also, that i said i was sorry, and shouldn't keep apologizing, just to get the reaction i want. that i'm a people pleaser, and that's something i need to work on. it's still uncomfortable but it is starting to feel less urgent. i started composing an email to her in my head earlier when i felt really calm but now i'm not at that point.

i'm feeling a bit all over the place. there is a sober party tonight that a ton of people i like are going to but, i dont know. it feels weird to me. overwhelming. uncomfortable. i'm not feeling great anyway. i'm really tired and have a cold, and i just feel really gross and fat and not like someone who should be seen by people.

eh, i had so much to say. now i'm tired.

Day Thirty-Three

so, wow. life has been... very up and down. kind of hard to handle. had a couple of pretty terrible days, and then an unexpectedly okay evening thursday night, and then an okay day on friday, with its own ups and downs at work... but what totally threw me was the impending wedding i had planned on going to this weekend, and the realization that there was very little chance of my attending without drinking. so i felt awful but i called and i canceled. i just dont think i had a choice, that if i want to keep moving forward. and the bride was... unhappy. she was fine on the phone, and then i called a sober friend who was so excited for me and called it an "act of love toward myself," and that made me feel amazing, because that's the kind of thing i want to do, need to do. i want to love myself. had a wonderful dinner with stephanie and then met jesse for her birthday at a soho meeting and then went out with a bunch of people for more food and THEN six of us went to washington square at midnight to play charades, and it was the most fun i've had in so, so long. it was wildly fun and safe and i loved it.

then this morning i went to a 10:15 meeting. a 10 am i got a funny feeling so went outside to check my phone (there isn't any service in the room) and there was a text from sara. i was so nervous that i didnt check it at first. i knew it could go one of two ways. well, it did. she wanted to let me know that we could talk about it after the wedding, but that she was annoyed that i didnt let her know earlier. i said i was sorry, and that i hadnt considered not going because i really wanted to be there, but that i wasnt be honest with myself when i thought i could do it without drinking, and that it wasnt a safe situation for me. that i was so sorry and knew that i was totally in the wrong. and she said that she'd "been reeaally understanding about the bachelorette party and bridal shower" (which she had been--she let me know it was okay if i didnt come, because one isnt my scene and one was pretty far) and that she was annoyed that i waited all the way until friday to cancel.

i mean, she's right. i really had been planning on going, though, until i was out this week with aa people at a restaurant with a bar in it and THAT was too much for me. there will be a time when i can go all these places and it wont make a difference--i know, ive been there--but that time isnt now, and i keep forgetting just how far backwards ive moved.

so that totally sucks. i hate that she's mad, i hate that this is taking up any space in her head the weekend she is getting married, i hate that i'm not going to get to see them get married. i hate that i didnt realize this earlier.

but this is what happened and this is where i'm at. yeah, would have been fucking a million times better to realize earlier, but i cant go back and change it. and all i can do is try to do the right thing now. and i know the right thing is not going. i mean... honestly, if i went, and i got drunk, i might very well embarrass myself and ruin part of the wedding. and even if that didnt happen, well, i'd be the one who would have to live and deal with what ive done. i cant go back to day one again. it was too hard to get here.

Day Thirty-One

hard few days. lots of uncomfortableness and pain. had lots and lots of trouble just, um, being in life. i feel a lot better now. it got worse before it got better and my therapist made me talk about some really uncomfortable things at group and when i left i thought i was going to collapse. but i had made plans to go out to eat with my friend matthew from group, and it was wonderful. we didnt end up getting food. we walked to central park and swung on the swings and then laid on the grass for a while and listened to music and talked and it helped, so much.

Day Thirty

you know, i havent really discussed alcoholism. not the ways that it touches every aspect of my life. how much more there is than not drinking, because drinking is only a symptom. to say i'm compulsive, that i have an addictive personality, is surely true, but it also strips away too much of the truth to be completely honest. i drink, i purge, i overeat, everything--to stop feeling. to disconnect from life. to find peace. to feel whole, or try to forget that i dont, as often and for as long as i can.

i'm never going to change. i've tried this before and i'm right back where i started. what's the point?

Day Twenty-Six

today was pretty rad! and what strikes me as important is noting the fact that it would NOT have been rad if i had gone out and gotten drunk last night. i may have had fun--or i may have made an asshole out of myself in front of my new coworkers--but either way, today would have been shit. guilt and shame and disappointment up to wazoo. but instead, it was a beautiful day and i got to enjoy it.

it started with a meeting. i love the saturday morning meeting here. it's always on the third step, and in my experience, they always get a regular, someone i know but not necessarily someone whose story i know, and it is fantastic and inspiring and helpful. that's what it was like today. then i went out with four girls for brunch, and then i took tommy to the dog park, and then i took tommy home and went to prospect park and read for a while, and then i met up with two of the girls from lunch and one other girl and we went to prospect park for a free concert. i had no idea who the bands were but it was a beautiful night, a perfect night to sit outside in the park, and i had a blast. fuck yes!

Day Twenty-Five

hey! day twenty-five here. yesterday i went to a meeting during lunch, and kind of loved getting away from the office and getting some aa action in the middle of the day, so i went again today. it was a meeting on the promises, which is a list of specific things that the big book promises us, if we work the program. it was on the sixth promise: "We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows." Immediately my ears perked up. This particular promise seems to be the theme of my week, particularly in a conversation i had with someone in group therapy and in a conversation i had with my sponsor. i have issues with... negative thoughts, bad self esteem, putting myself down. and my sponsor tells me that this is rooted in selfishness. that if i'm the biggest piece of shit in the universe--i'm still the center of the universe. the speaker at today's meeting was a federal judge, and full of honesty and hope, and said several remarkable things, but what had the biggest effect on me is the idea that, as an alcoholic, drinking and using drugs to destroy myself is pretty much the most self-centered thing i could do.

holy crap, right? or--maybe not. maybe if you don't know much about alcoholism, or if you've been effected by alcoholism and it just hasn't been your own, this isn't such a revolutionary idea. but let me tell you--it is to me. and yet, at the same time, it is so obviously true.

i've actually been thinking a lot about that lately. the difference between alcoholics and non-alcoholics. because lately, i've been getting SO MUCH out of aa meetings. out of listening and sharing with other alcoholics. i hear my thoughts in their words, i hear my feelings expressed in ways i was never able to do myself. that, by the way, has been mind blowing. just the other night i heard a woman share about something and i was like... holy crap. THAT is how i feel. that is how i have felt since i've been like five or six. and it's always existed in my body and mind as a little lump that i've pushed away and ignored... and she just verbalized it, and now i understand it. and that is such a miracle. because how can i possible deal with things if i cant even admit that they're there?

but anyway, it's SO remarkable and SO crazy when i hear people say things that i can relate to such an unbelievable degree that i found myself thinking that maybe this is just the way people are, you know? but i realized today that that isn't so. it's been educational, this time around, to realize just how much the average person doesnt know about alcoholism. it's so ingrained in me at this point--both because that is who i AM, but also because of all the time i have spent reading about it and going to aa in the past--that i forget that other people dont have that background, or experience. but that's not bad or anything, of course. it just makes me realize all the more that i'm in the right place, and that the ways i can relate to these people really IS remarkable, and, that, no. not everyone feels these ways.

today was challenging because i was supposed to go for drinks after work with coworkers. i backed out earlier today. last night i suddenly realized that going was not a possibility for me. not if i wanted to stay sober. so i canceled, and people kind of made me feel bad. they were very nice about it and were just teasing me but some of the things they said really got to me, because i really DID want to go, so bad. but i didnt want to go and stay sober; i wanted to go and drink. so i canceled and came home. and i'm so, so glad i did. i also had an amazing conversation with katie about it... in which she reminded me that periods of growth usually do come out of being uncomfortable, and that being sober isnt just about not drinking. that it's about learning to be okay with who i am, and to be okay with being uncomfortable, and to becoming a better person because of it.

it's just such a positive spin. i want to grow. so i have to be uncomfortable. and that's okay.

Day Twenty-Four

big fucking sigh of relief over here. after two weeks of agonizing over how to get through it, it suddenly really sunk in that i DONT have to go to drinks night tomorrow night with my dream. i finally dont have a constant obsession over alcohol, but i just dont feel like a bar is a safe place for me right now. so i'm going to un-rsvp tomorrow.

Day Twenty-Two

ahhh. today was nice. it was the first day at my job where i felt useful, like i'm starting to know people and like i got shit done. and that's a good fucking feeling. i think the most important thing to me in life is feeling useful. and i so often feel like i'm just a waste of space.

today didnt feel like that and it made all the difference. i am so grateful for that.

martine and ethan are the partners on my team. martine had me come in her office to explain something she wants me to do and she said that she has many more responsibilities she wants me to take on but that she wants to ease me in. perfect. it was so good to hear that. firstly, because it's really fucking sane and reasonable. secondly, because it means that i haven't been SUPPOSED to know what i'm doing just yet. and thirdly, that she still wants me there and has ideas in mind of what i will eventually be doing.

then i talked with this really nice woman named libby, who is a lawyer. she had me come in and close the door so she could tell me about the company and hear about me and what not. she was fantastic and i could see really being friends with her. she is only part-time at this point because she has two little kids and--as she put it--she loves immigration law but is totally "over it" at this point. but she said it's a great team to be working on, and basically confirmed what i thought--that martine is really great at giving people more responsibilities if they step up and to help them advance their careers there and what not.

i also had therapy. man, my therapist is smart and boy does he understand alcoholics in a way i've never experienced with another therapist. and it's amazing that i see him for group and individual because i act very different in each, and he uses all the information together to get to know me and make suggestions and tell me what i need to think about and what not. so like today we talked about goals. which... is a big deal. because i dont have any. and apparently having them is important. reaching them is another matter all together, but having goals... i can see where they would come in handy. he also had a lot of interesting stuff to say on other stuff that i shared... i'm very happy with him. even though he makes me uncomfortable and do things i dont want to do.

tonight was a two meeting night. i like tuesdays because there are two meetings in a row, with a five minute break in the middle, at my home group. plus i got to see both katie and jesse and they both make me feel really good just by being with me.

so yeah. day twenty-two rocked pretty hard. and i didnt think about drinking, not one time.

Day Eighteen

life is so weird. i keep thinking that.

today was interesting. work was okay. i ate like i'm fucking pregnant and don't fit into my clothes anymore, which makes me feel shitty about myself, which makes me want to throw in the towel and drink. i get all worked up until i manage to slow down and remember that, okay, tomato, your primary job right now is to stay sober. the rest can be worked on once that is sorted out and safe. but i do hate feeling like this. fat. the one saving grace is that the people at my current job dont realize i've gained weight because they've never seen me before! but it's still hard being at a place where no one really knows me at all. and i'm still not sure what i'm supposed to be doing a lot of the time, which makes me feel uncertain and uncomfortable and unhelpful. surprisingly enough not my favorite ways of feeling. but i know, i KNOW, that this is all typical new job stuff. i just have to get through it.

i had lunch with sonia today, which was wonderful, but a weird thing was that i stopped by the office because a very close coworker had her one year old there and i wanted to see and kiss her, so i did, but it was uncomfortable and weird to be in there. i only went up because the office was nearly empty since it is a friday, but i really didnt like being there and hid from as many people as possible. i hate that feeling--moving to a new place and not feeling comfortable there and then going back to the old place and realizing that it isnt home anymore either. but it was wonderful, wonderful, wonderful to see sonia.

after work, though, i was hit with major urges to go drink. i dont have the pup this weekend and could easily stay out until the wee hours of the morning and it just seemed really attractive. i got really overwhelmed and decided to go to a 630 meeting before my regularly scheduled 830 meeting. it was fairly good. it was a big book meeting so we read a story from the book and then shared. i hate sharing, even though i know it's good for me. but i always feel compelled to share when someone speaks about having five years and that they've been away from meetings for a while and are coming back because life started to be come uncomfortable. i want to be their cautionary tale. i want to help someone else so that they dont have to go as far down the rabbit hole as i did. and someone shared exactly that, so i had to tell my story. and then i shared about how different life has been since i got that taste of alcohol, that feeling of being drunk, back in my life, and how i havent been able to really let it go since. i hope it helped. i think it did help me to get it out there, at least.

i still wanted to drink, though, until someone shared about their baby. i so want a family. i really do. and i was struck by the realization that yeah, i'm not ready for one right now, and that's too bad, and i COULD drink over it... but that the decisions and actions i make right now are going to do one of two things: they are going to either help me toward my goal (or the possibility of it at least) or push me further from it. i'm not ready for a family right now because i'm still remembering how to take care of myself. the longer i spend out there, drinking, in bars or what not, the longer it is going to take for me to get to the point where i'm responsible and adult and ready enough to entertain the possibilities of the things that i want. so i've got to stay the course. i've got to.

and then i went to the second meeting. and it. fucking. rocked. it was so good. it really knocked me over with all the inspiration and strength and truth and blessings i took from it. i'm so grateful. i was walking home, thinking about my renewed sense of willingness, when i was hit again by the idea of going out and drinking. man, it sounded good. but i somehow managed not to entertain the thought, not to let the thought ruminate and grow and tempt, and steered my mind in a different direction. not even one of hope--just a different direction. i just made myself think loudly of different things. and i am home, and i am sober, and i am glad.

Day Seventeen

work today was better than it's been, because my work neighbor, grace, has warmed up to me, and because i knew what to do. i'm basically a glorified intern at this point so it's pretty stupid shit but at least i can do it well. i didnt get to a meeting because i had group therapy after work and then my friend valerie's art exhibit at the brooklyn museum. group was stressful because i told them about my job and dr hapworth said "so it's a recovery job" and i said no, this is just what i'm going to do. stupid shit. it's what i plan on doing. because i'm dumb. and have no passions or aspirations. that set off a fun conversation (sarcasm). bleh.

luckily i ran into katie at the exhibit and she said some things that really helped. she said that knitting is her passion (she makes awesome masks) but that she only started two years ago. that after she got sober she tried a bunch of things until she found it. so maybe there is hope for me yet.

maybe. i'm not going to hold my breath.

Day Fifteen

today was crazy! second day at the new job. and i felt very out of place. i felt like a bother. like i should know what i should be doing, and i didnt. i had to keep asking for tasks, which makes me feel annoying. everyone was very nice, but i dont have any friends yet, and just felt very unsure and nervous for the entire day. it's new job stuff, and i know it will get better. and then it was someone's last day, so we had a bit of social time, and i ate two cupcakes, which made me feel disgusting. so i felt alone, overwhelmed, and fat. plus my feet hurt from wearing shoes. nothing too bad but i felt just overwhelmed with feelings and insecurities. but my wonderful katie texted me and asked if i wanted to both meet her at a meeting and then go out to dinner after and i said yes. so that was A PHENOMENAL DECISION. the meeting itself, honestly, was super boring. and completely unrelated to the meeting and entirely stemming from an overflow of emotions, i cried for a while. but then we went out to dinner and OH MY GOD her friend worked in children's publishing up until three months ago when she left for some of the same reasons i did and went to work in an unrelated field and had gone through the EXACT SAME THINGS I DID. not at fifteen days sober, but still. it was SO GOOD to hear what i already knew, that it would get better, from someone who had just been through the exact same thing. really, it was amazing.

AND THEN. and then i called my mom. and i told her everything that has been going on. and oh my god i can't even express how wonderful she was. she said she wasnt disappointed in me at all, that everyone slips up sometimes, and that she was so proud of me for doing the right things to get back on track. and i told her how much i love aa right now, and how i finally feel like i'm part of a community here in brooklyn, and it was just so fucking great. so. fucking. great. i'm so relieved.

also, the posts on facebook in response to my "new girl" status update made me feel really warm and loved.

so, a roller coaster of a day. and i got through it, with all its ups and downs. i'm grateful and happy for that.

TWO WEEKS!

it's day fourteen! that means i havent drank for two weeks! i bet it will start feeling normal soon. today i started new job. it was pretty good. not awesome, not bad. there are a lot of nice people. i hope some of them want to be friends with me. everyone was pretty quiet but i was very friendly and hopefully people will like me. if they dont, well, at least i'm getting paid better. oh, one super shitty thing is that health insurance kicks in thirty days after i start -- at the next first of the month. so not until august first. which means i have to get cobra for TWO months. oy. shitty and annoying BUT. it's worth it. so i'm going to complain a little and then move on. there's nothing else i can do so. it is what it is.

after work i ran like hell to my meeting and got there late, but was there for enough to feel better after. but walking home, i was just kind of stressed and tired, and hit with a hard WANT TO DRINK urge. but i didnt, and i have to think that every time i want to drink and dont drink, it's a learning experience, a reminder that i dont have to do something just because i want to, and that the feeling will pass.

Day Thirteen

i love my sober friends!! i didnt know WHAT i was doing today, except that i was going to go to a meeting tonight, and my friend valerie just called. she's meeting a friend to go to a stoop sale in park slope, followed by a sober birthday party at prospect park, followed by coffee with katie, followed by a meeting. and she invited me to come along for any or all. and frankly it sounds awesome. i totally want to go be outside but tommy and i just came back from the dog run and it is too hot for the poor guy out there. i wanted to get him groomed today but apparently i shouldnt have waited until the last possible minute to try to get an appointment. poor tommy. he's so hot in all that fur. so anyway, yeah, it seems like it will be a good day.

and then new job tomorrow. :(

Day Twelve

well yesterday was an awesome day, full of sunshine and dog parks and crossfit, and i stayed sober, but i didnt tell my parents about my relapse. because when i woke up there was a text message from my mom saying that my aunt had to have emergency surgery. it was major surgery but a quick recovery time. so now i feel like i dont want to drop another bomb on my mom's lap. with concern that i was taking the easy way out by not doing something i didnt want to do anyway, i checked in with a couple of people, who all said it was okay to wait. today i spoke to my sponsor about it, and she told me to find some quiet time today to think about it and then to call her so we can discuss again. i havent actually done that yet, but i will.

also. there is this boy that i met at the Stupid Little Fucking Bar who likes me and i like being with him so i hung out with him a couple of times and we were supposed to go out to dinner tuesday but then when katie wanted to meet me at the meeting i postponed until today and it has been on my mind. because i'm not really supposed to date right now. dating in early sobriety is ill advised, and i understand why. i'm supposed to be concentrating on myself, and making myself okay with feeling feelings and what not, and if i'm dating someone then i very well might be filled with happy feelings that aren't genuinely about life and learning to be okay but are just filling up the hole inside of me with relationship stuff. besides, i'm just not my best self right now. i need time for that. so if this relationship is supposed to happen, it will be better to hold off until i'm in a better place. oh, but i did tell him, earlier this week, about my problems with alcohol. so anyway i texted him and said that i needed a raincheck, and maybe we can have dinner in a few months instead. and as soon as i sent it i felt better and realized i didnt even care what he said back. that if he was going to be a jerk about it--whatever. and he was a little incredulous but not a jerk. but you know what? i also dont think i really even like him, not the way i should. i like being with him, but that's not the same thing at all. so this was definitely for the best.

when i told katie, though, she was like, yes, that is great, except, in the future, you should probably check in with me first. not in a scolding way, but in a, this is how you are going to learn to be less impulsive and more contemplative way. so, oops. yes, i should have done that. and i know why i didnt... it's because although i did mention him to her once a couple of weeks ago, i didnt want to tell her i was kind of stringing him along without an answer one way or the other until i figured out what i wanted to do. so that was not the most honest behavior ive ever had. but i'm glad it's over, because it's the one thing ive felt uncomfortable with, because i didnt want to tell her, and now i told her, and i told him, and so yay.

still not sure how things are going to shake out with my parents. i guess my aunt is upset and worried she wont ever walk normally again. so today isnt the right time. but i know i do have to tell them.