Day Thirty-Three

so, wow. life has been... very up and down. kind of hard to handle. had a couple of pretty terrible days, and then an unexpectedly okay evening thursday night, and then an okay day on friday, with its own ups and downs at work... but what totally threw me was the impending wedding i had planned on going to this weekend, and the realization that there was very little chance of my attending without drinking. so i felt awful but i called and i canceled. i just dont think i had a choice, that if i want to keep moving forward. and the bride was... unhappy. she was fine on the phone, and then i called a sober friend who was so excited for me and called it an "act of love toward myself," and that made me feel amazing, because that's the kind of thing i want to do, need to do. i want to love myself. had a wonderful dinner with stephanie and then met jesse for her birthday at a soho meeting and then went out with a bunch of people for more food and THEN six of us went to washington square at midnight to play charades, and it was the most fun i've had in so, so long. it was wildly fun and safe and i loved it.

then this morning i went to a 10:15 meeting. a 10 am i got a funny feeling so went outside to check my phone (there isn't any service in the room) and there was a text from sara. i was so nervous that i didnt check it at first. i knew it could go one of two ways. well, it did. she wanted to let me know that we could talk about it after the wedding, but that she was annoyed that i didnt let her know earlier. i said i was sorry, and that i hadnt considered not going because i really wanted to be there, but that i wasnt be honest with myself when i thought i could do it without drinking, and that it wasnt a safe situation for me. that i was so sorry and knew that i was totally in the wrong. and she said that she'd "been reeaally understanding about the bachelorette party and bridal shower" (which she had been--she let me know it was okay if i didnt come, because one isnt my scene and one was pretty far) and that she was annoyed that i waited all the way until friday to cancel.

i mean, she's right. i really had been planning on going, though, until i was out this week with aa people at a restaurant with a bar in it and THAT was too much for me. there will be a time when i can go all these places and it wont make a difference--i know, ive been there--but that time isnt now, and i keep forgetting just how far backwards ive moved.

so that totally sucks. i hate that she's mad, i hate that this is taking up any space in her head the weekend she is getting married, i hate that i'm not going to get to see them get married. i hate that i didnt realize this earlier.

but this is what happened and this is where i'm at. yeah, would have been fucking a million times better to realize earlier, but i cant go back and change it. and all i can do is try to do the right thing now. and i know the right thing is not going. i mean... honestly, if i went, and i got drunk, i might very well embarrass myself and ruin part of the wedding. and even if that didnt happen, well, i'd be the one who would have to live and deal with what ive done. i cant go back to day one again. it was too hard to get here.