Day Thirty-Nine

the thing about blogging about my life is that when i miss a few days it's hard to know where to start. there are lots of things i want to share. i guess i do know where i need to start. the repercussions of not going to sara's wedding really threw me for a loop. basically, i've been feeling like the whole situation is very urgent, and katie strongly feels that i shouldnt do ANYTHING when i feel urgency. that even though i am uncomfortable, i have to sit through it. there's more, too. that it's sara's first week married and i shouldnt make it about me. and also, that i said i was sorry, and shouldn't keep apologizing, just to get the reaction i want. that i'm a people pleaser, and that's something i need to work on. it's still uncomfortable but it is starting to feel less urgent. i started composing an email to her in my head earlier when i felt really calm but now i'm not at that point.

i'm feeling a bit all over the place. there is a sober party tonight that a ton of people i like are going to but, i dont know. it feels weird to me. overwhelming. uncomfortable. i'm not feeling great anyway. i'm really tired and have a cold, and i just feel really gross and fat and not like someone who should be seen by people.

eh, i had so much to say. now i'm tired.