Day Fifteen

today was crazy! second day at the new job. and i felt very out of place. i felt like a bother. like i should know what i should be doing, and i didnt. i had to keep asking for tasks, which makes me feel annoying. everyone was very nice, but i dont have any friends yet, and just felt very unsure and nervous for the entire day. it's new job stuff, and i know it will get better. and then it was someone's last day, so we had a bit of social time, and i ate two cupcakes, which made me feel disgusting. so i felt alone, overwhelmed, and fat. plus my feet hurt from wearing shoes. nothing too bad but i felt just overwhelmed with feelings and insecurities. but my wonderful katie texted me and asked if i wanted to both meet her at a meeting and then go out to dinner after and i said yes. so that was A PHENOMENAL DECISION. the meeting itself, honestly, was super boring. and completely unrelated to the meeting and entirely stemming from an overflow of emotions, i cried for a while. but then we went out to dinner and OH MY GOD her friend worked in children's publishing up until three months ago when she left for some of the same reasons i did and went to work in an unrelated field and had gone through the EXACT SAME THINGS I DID. not at fifteen days sober, but still. it was SO GOOD to hear what i already knew, that it would get better, from someone who had just been through the exact same thing. really, it was amazing.

AND THEN. and then i called my mom. and i told her everything that has been going on. and oh my god i can't even express how wonderful she was. she said she wasnt disappointed in me at all, that everyone slips up sometimes, and that she was so proud of me for doing the right things to get back on track. and i told her how much i love aa right now, and how i finally feel like i'm part of a community here in brooklyn, and it was just so fucking great. so. fucking. great. i'm so relieved.

also, the posts on facebook in response to my "new girl" status update made me feel really warm and loved.

so, a roller coaster of a day. and i got through it, with all its ups and downs. i'm grateful and happy for that.