well yesterday was an awesome day, full of sunshine and dog parks and crossfit, and i stayed sober, but i didnt tell my parents about my relapse. because when i woke up there was a text message from my mom saying that my aunt had to have emergency surgery. it was major surgery but a quick recovery time. so now i feel like i dont want to drop another bomb on my mom's lap. with concern that i was taking the easy way out by not doing something i didnt want to do anyway, i checked in with a couple of people, who all said it was okay to wait. today i spoke to my sponsor about it, and she told me to find some quiet time today to think about it and then to call her so we can discuss again. i havent actually done that yet, but i will.
also. there is this boy that i met at the Stupid Little Fucking Bar who likes me and i like being with him so i hung out with him a couple of times and we were supposed to go out to dinner tuesday but then when katie wanted to meet me at the meeting i postponed until today and it has been on my mind. because i'm not really supposed to date right now. dating in early sobriety is ill advised, and i understand why. i'm supposed to be concentrating on myself, and making myself okay with feeling feelings and what not, and if i'm dating someone then i very well might be filled with happy feelings that aren't genuinely about life and learning to be okay but are just filling up the hole inside of me with relationship stuff. besides, i'm just not my best self right now. i need time for that. so if this relationship is supposed to happen, it will be better to hold off until i'm in a better place. oh, but i did tell him, earlier this week, about my problems with alcohol. so anyway i texted him and said that i needed a raincheck, and maybe we can have dinner in a few months instead. and as soon as i sent it i felt better and realized i didnt even care what he said back. that if he was going to be a jerk about it--whatever. and he was a little incredulous but not a jerk. but you know what? i also dont think i really even like him, not the way i should. i like being with him, but that's not the same thing at all. so this was definitely for the best.
when i told katie, though, she was like, yes, that is great, except, in the future, you should probably check in with me first. not in a scolding way, but in a, this is how you are going to learn to be less impulsive and more contemplative way. so, oops. yes, i should have done that. and i know why i didnt... it's because although i did mention him to her once a couple of weeks ago, i didnt want to tell her i was kind of stringing him along without an answer one way or the other until i figured out what i wanted to do. so that was not the most honest behavior ive ever had. but i'm glad it's over, because it's the one thing ive felt uncomfortable with, because i didnt want to tell her, and now i told her, and i told him, and so yay.
still not sure how things are going to shake out with my parents. i guess my aunt is upset and worried she wont ever walk normally again. so today isnt the right time. but i know i do have to tell them.
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