i am sober. it is day ten. but it has been a monster of a day.
not all a bad monster. i just way overextended myself. after having too little to do earlier in the week, and after how well yesterday went, i was excited to go out today because it was packed to the brim. i had individual therapy at 12:30; lunch with lovely ex-coworker katniss at 1:30; hang out in union square with my favorite greg after lunch; coffee with a woman from aa who used to work at the company i'm starting at monday; group therapy at 6; and a meeting at night.
jesus though. even typing all that out exhausted me. and it was like ninety fucking degrees out. by the time i got to greg i was a little on edge. i still had a blast, and then i had a very nice time at coffee, but then i was late to group and then i totally missed the meeting i wanted to go to at night because the train was slow and then i FREAKED OUT because i thought i was going to miss the last meeting of the night in my area, and my phone was dead, and i couldnt find out where it was, so i went, panicked, into a convenience store and he let me charge my phone and i got all worked up and stopped home quickly because i couldnt decide whether i should try to make it even though i was going to be late because it was a ways away and then went and paced in the bus stop, waiting for either a bus or a cab to take me to the meeting. this doesnt sound so bad. but it felt terrible. i was on the verge on an anxiety attack and i called my sponsor and was just like I AM WAITING FOR A BUS OR A TAXI BECAUSE I JUST NEED TO GET TO THIS MEETING BECAUSE THEN EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY BUT I JUST HAVE TO GET THERE AND OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO BE LATE and blah blah blah. and then finally the bus came and i swear, i must have looked crazy because people kept looking at me weird, and then i finally got to the right street and couldnt find it and tripped on uneven sidewalk and landed on the ground and then i finally found it and it was an apartment building and it was locked and i couldnt get in so i sat down in front and started tearing up in a panic because I HAD MADE IT ALL THIS WAY AND COULDNT GET TO THE MEETING and this kind man came up to me and was like "are you looking for a meeting" (gee i wonder what gave it away) and pointed to the door NEXT to where i was. and there was the meeting. and i missed half of it and didnt get that much out of it, to be honest, except that it allowed me to quiet my thoughts and just listen and center myself for a bit.
so that was crazy. i'm not sure i'm getting all the crazy across. of course, nothing was actually wrong. i just made myself all worked up over nothing. but i didnt even think about drinking, so that was an improvement. and then on the way home i got to speak to katie. she is so, so awesome. she said lots of things, like "easy does it" (omg if only!) and that she wants me to do a ninety in ninety--ninety meetings in ninety days, as is the plan--but not to the point where i'm going to drink over it. she pointed out that that kind of defeats the purpose. and that i need to remember that the goal is not to do aa perfectly. that i dont have to worry about getting an A in aa. that it's not about that. that we're working toward things and we get better but we dont have to worry about perfection. it's just not about that.
i feel a million times better. i'm still hyped up but i feel better. and also, katie pointed out how fucking far i've come--that i didnt want to drink tonight.
oh yeah. also. my therapist said i have to tell my parents about the relapse. i said i would do it tomorrow. i definitely want to speak to my sponsor first, though, so it might have to wait until saturday. but fucking a, man.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Day Nine
day nine was awesome! in the morning, i finished up some work for caitlyn, even though i dont work at S&S anymore, because i wanted to help her out on one final manuscript since she doesnt have a new assistant yet, and that made me feel both productive and good. then i went to crossfit for the first time in about five weeks. then i went to bryant park and hung out with one of my best friends, andrew, who is amazing and wonderful. and then i came back and went to a meeting. great, great day.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Day Eight
i am sober. it is day eight. and it is FUCKING CRAZY how my moods can change. i was so fucking pissed that i agree to meet katie tonight. i wanted to drink, and if i couldnt do that, then i wanted to do nothing. but i said i would be there, at the 715 meeting, and i am a woman of my word, and i show up when i say i'm going to show up, so i went. moodily and pouting.
and then the speaker just lit up my heart and my mind with his story and experience. i dont know how these meetings do it but they do. they fill me with strength and gratitude and remind me of WHAT i'm doing and WHY i'm doing it and that i CAN. and i sat with katie, who is just a beacon of life and health, and i soaked it up all. knowing how i had felt when i got there, i decided that if katie wanted to get food after i would go with her but otherwise i would stay for the second meeting. then at the end of the first meeting jesse showed up, and then katie decided to stay, and suddenly i was sitting between the two of them and i just felt so good, so supported, so safe.
there are lots of different people who attend meetings, and i've met people with all sorts of time under their belt and all sorts of sobriety. it's funny. when i first started going again, a few weeks ago, it was like there was me, and then there was everyone else, in terms of sobriety. i was on one end and then there was everyone else. but of course, it isnt really like that. "everyone else" is made up of individuals who fall all along the spectrum, from crazy and sick to healthy and well. and so some of the people ive been talking to, and am now friends with, are not people with the kind of sobriety i want. they're working their own program and i wish them the best but they're not role models for me, in particular. but somehow i was lucky enough to wind up with these two girls who are, yes, crazy alcoholics like the rest of us--but also remarkably wonderful people who have done really amazing things and are so kind, and so willing to help. i'm so, so blessed.
and then the speaker just lit up my heart and my mind with his story and experience. i dont know how these meetings do it but they do. they fill me with strength and gratitude and remind me of WHAT i'm doing and WHY i'm doing it and that i CAN. and i sat with katie, who is just a beacon of life and health, and i soaked it up all. knowing how i had felt when i got there, i decided that if katie wanted to get food after i would go with her but otherwise i would stay for the second meeting. then at the end of the first meeting jesse showed up, and then katie decided to stay, and suddenly i was sitting between the two of them and i just felt so good, so supported, so safe.
there are lots of different people who attend meetings, and i've met people with all sorts of time under their belt and all sorts of sobriety. it's funny. when i first started going again, a few weeks ago, it was like there was me, and then there was everyone else, in terms of sobriety. i was on one end and then there was everyone else. but of course, it isnt really like that. "everyone else" is made up of individuals who fall all along the spectrum, from crazy and sick to healthy and well. and so some of the people ive been talking to, and am now friends with, are not people with the kind of sobriety i want. they're working their own program and i wish them the best but they're not role models for me, in particular. but somehow i was lucky enough to wind up with these two girls who are, yes, crazy alcoholics like the rest of us--but also remarkably wonderful people who have done really amazing things and are so kind, and so willing to help. i'm so, so blessed.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Day Seven
i guess it's technically day eight! so that's nice. today was pretty rad. but first, last night. i went to a really awesome meeting to celebrate my friend jesse's seven years of sobriety. she has been a really awesome friend to me these past few weeks and it was amazing to see her up there talking about where she's been and where she is now and how she got there. something weird happened though. back in december i went out on three dates with a guy i met from okcupid. he was sober. i decided i didnt like him and ended it. and then last night he was there. and he was totally cool to me and very nice but i was uncomfortable to the ninth degree about it. he said, "how are you?" and i said, "well i relapsed"--just to put it all out there. i think my intentions were kind of like "see how lucky you were to get away??" and i think i made that point loud and clear. anyway it was just weird, because i loved the meeting, actually, but also think of it has HIS meeting now, and am nervous about going again. but i did go out with people after. he didnt come, and i had a great time, and was out past midnight so didnt go home until a point when i felt safe to be alone, so that was awesome. i posted a picture of me and jesse on facebook. it's the one under the giant clock on the wall haha. she is great. and then i suddenly realized that to get home from there i "had" to walk past the bar i had been frequenting, and i told her that, and she said she was going to drive me home anyway. and she did. <3 she is a really good person.
while i was out last night i made plans with a girl i just met to meet her a meeting today and then go to a sober picnic in the park. so we went to the meeting, then came home to pick up tommy, and then went to the park. it was fun. i wasnt COMPLETELY comfortable because i didnt feel like i knew that many people but it was great to see some people i did know, to meet others, and to be out in the sun for a few hours with tommy. sun always makes me feel good.
then tonight, though, i went to a friend's to watch arrested development. and the friend knows that i have been in recovery for years but not that i drank recently, so it wasnt weird for me not to drink. but there were other people there, including someone who... was really cool and who i liked a lot and who brought wine blah blah blah. someone who asked what i was drinking and i had to say "water." oy. that was challenging.
while i was out last night i made plans with a girl i just met to meet her a meeting today and then go to a sober picnic in the park. so we went to the meeting, then came home to pick up tommy, and then went to the park. it was fun. i wasnt COMPLETELY comfortable because i didnt feel like i knew that many people but it was great to see some people i did know, to meet others, and to be out in the sun for a few hours with tommy. sun always makes me feel good.
then tonight, though, i went to a friend's to watch arrested development. and the friend knows that i have been in recovery for years but not that i drank recently, so it wasnt weird for me not to drink. but there were other people there, including someone who... was really cool and who i liked a lot and who brought wine blah blah blah. someone who asked what i was drinking and i had to say "water." oy. that was challenging.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Day Six
i am sober. it is day six. i slept until noon and i'm still just fucking exhausted. i have to remember that it was just earlier this week that i was at the bar until closing and that i'm still catching up on sleep and that i will feel better soon. i went to a five pm meeting and am about to head to an eight thirty meeting. a new friend, who has been very wonderful to me, is celebrating her anniversary. and it's good to go to a later meeting, since the nights tend to be the most uneasy time for me, but i'm so comfy on my bed and the book i'm reading is so good and i'd love to stay here instead. but, it is what it is. i made a commitment and ive got to go. but hell if i'm not going to whine about it first. :)
today was interesting. the meeting was actually... not great. it was another anniversary meeting. (they tend to all be at the end of the month.) i guess what you get from each meeting and each speaker depends on them and depends on you, but today was just odd. the first speaker started talking about how he felt when he was drinking and then i wasnt able to focus on anything else. because that is the feeling i still want, and havent yet found again sober, and it was upsetting. and then someone with however many years started talking and for the first time, the five years that i threw away really hit me, and i broke down. i dont believe they were for nothing or that i really lost them or that i didnt learn things that i can now tap into, but... for all intents and purposes, i feel like ive had to start over, and that is pretty upsetting when i let myself think about it. that, combined with the urges to go drink, put me over the edge for a bit. i mean, i have six days... which can feel like a miracle... or it can feel like absolutely nothing. like why not take one more night out? what's six days when i threw away five years?
it's good to admit that i'm feeling like this, though, because i know that these insidious thoughts are bullshit. that i'm incapable of going out for one night and coming back tomorrow--i do believe that's become abundantly clear--and that... i dont even know. i just know that i have to keep going.
today was interesting. the meeting was actually... not great. it was another anniversary meeting. (they tend to all be at the end of the month.) i guess what you get from each meeting and each speaker depends on them and depends on you, but today was just odd. the first speaker started talking about how he felt when he was drinking and then i wasnt able to focus on anything else. because that is the feeling i still want, and havent yet found again sober, and it was upsetting. and then someone with however many years started talking and for the first time, the five years that i threw away really hit me, and i broke down. i dont believe they were for nothing or that i really lost them or that i didnt learn things that i can now tap into, but... for all intents and purposes, i feel like ive had to start over, and that is pretty upsetting when i let myself think about it. that, combined with the urges to go drink, put me over the edge for a bit. i mean, i have six days... which can feel like a miracle... or it can feel like absolutely nothing. like why not take one more night out? what's six days when i threw away five years?
it's good to admit that i'm feeling like this, though, because i know that these insidious thoughts are bullshit. that i'm incapable of going out for one night and coming back tomorrow--i do believe that's become abundantly clear--and that... i dont even know. i just know that i have to keep going.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
I Fucking Hate This
i had a good day. meeting in the morning followed by fellowship. took a long nap, which left me extremely groggy and out of it but i am still catching up on sleep so whatever. then a woman's meeting followed by fellowship. i felt really good there. warm and safe. but the second i left everyone to walk home i was hit with cravings and urges. they are really strong. i want to drink like whoa. i want to go to the Stupid Little Fucking Bar and sit on the stool and drink and drink and drink. it is whelming. is that a word? i wrote overwhelming at first but i guess it's not, because i'm sitting with it and feeling it and not giving into it, but it sure is strong. i have to remember that i'm starting a new job next tuesday. no part of me thinks that if i go drink tonight i wont also go drink tomorrow night. i cant do this to myself again. i cant. but it's like i'm bursting with WANT and i just want it to go away.
Day Five
i am sober. it is day five. my plan was to go to crossfit but... it's so hard for me to form new patterns. i was awake but groggy. and everyone keeps telling me about this saturday morning third step meeting which was supposed to be so great, so i decided to check that out instead.
so i rushed like crazy to get ready and went on over, and by the time i got halfway down the block i just felt so grateful, so lucky. every day i'm sober feels like a miracle. and i'm so fucking lucky that i'm doing this in the middle of park slope. there are fantastic meetings every day of the week within, like, a five block radius of my apartment. people travel all the way from bayridge at one end and from manhattan on the other to go to these meetings, and i can roll out of bed and walk three blocks. the universe could not have made getting sober any more convenient than it is, and i appreciate that.
so i went to this meeting and it was huge and it was wonderful. and then i went to fellowship with people i didnt know and they were wonderful too. and sitting there with all these welcoming sober people, well, at first i was really shy. i have a hard time initiating conversation and even participating in it if i'm not comfortable. but gradually the walls come down and by the time we finished eating i was positively giddy. it was a smidge uncomfortable until i realized what it was: i was HAPPY. i felt GOOD about myself and where i'm at. and the thing is, i really like having fun and being happy, but part of drinking is pushing everything down. being sad, being happy. it all gets pushed down. so now i'm feeling things and i'm feeling good and later i might not feel good but i think it's important to recognize it all, to accept it, because it's all fine, no matter what it is.
now i'm relaxing in bed with tommy. i am going to a 6 PM women's meeting later. it might seem like too many meetings but i do feel like this is a very important time to stay vigilant. it's the first day of my vacation. i could get into a lot of trouble. or, i could use the free time to meet people and put myself out there and learn about how to be the person i want to be.
so i rushed like crazy to get ready and went on over, and by the time i got halfway down the block i just felt so grateful, so lucky. every day i'm sober feels like a miracle. and i'm so fucking lucky that i'm doing this in the middle of park slope. there are fantastic meetings every day of the week within, like, a five block radius of my apartment. people travel all the way from bayridge at one end and from manhattan on the other to go to these meetings, and i can roll out of bed and walk three blocks. the universe could not have made getting sober any more convenient than it is, and i appreciate that.
so i went to this meeting and it was huge and it was wonderful. and then i went to fellowship with people i didnt know and they were wonderful too. and sitting there with all these welcoming sober people, well, at first i was really shy. i have a hard time initiating conversation and even participating in it if i'm not comfortable. but gradually the walls come down and by the time we finished eating i was positively giddy. it was a smidge uncomfortable until i realized what it was: i was HAPPY. i felt GOOD about myself and where i'm at. and the thing is, i really like having fun and being happy, but part of drinking is pushing everything down. being sad, being happy. it all gets pushed down. so now i'm feeling things and i'm feeling good and later i might not feel good but i think it's important to recognize it all, to accept it, because it's all fine, no matter what it is.
now i'm relaxing in bed with tommy. i am going to a 6 PM women's meeting later. it might seem like too many meetings but i do feel like this is a very important time to stay vigilant. it's the first day of my vacation. i could get into a lot of trouble. or, i could use the free time to meet people and put myself out there and learn about how to be the person i want to be.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Day Four
i am sober. it is day four. it was a CRAZY INTENSE AND STRESSFUL DAY. it was my last day at S&S and there was SO MUCH TO DO. so. much. to. do. i wanted to get so many things done that i put off the packing and cleaning until the end and... i did not leave enough time for those tasks. also, the building was basically empty because today was the first summer friday, and before a long weekend, so nearly everyone was out. which was good for my productivity but bad for my morale. i got several emails from people who were out of the office who said they didnt know i was leaving and that they wished they could say goodbye in person but they were out. and most people probably wont even see caitlyn's email until monday. so that kind of sucked. luckily, one of my two work besties was there, and she helped me pack up books for a while, in a very organized fashion. but when she left for the day is when i got kind of insane and panicky.
katie, my sponsor, had texted earlier, though, and asked me to meet for dinner before the meeting, and i had said yes, so there was a hard stop time of 630... which ended up being perfect, but caused me crazy stress when i didnt think i would be done in time. but anyway, i did, and i took the subway back to brooklyn, and all the stress and exhaustion caught up with me and i got sick. just nauseated and barfy and gross. and i was going to cancel on katie but decided to go... and oh my god. i'm so glad i did. first of all, i dont think ive mentioned how much i adore katie. she's just fucking awesome. she's smart and funny and quick and fun and she has so much great knowledge and experience and she WANTS TO SHARE IT ALL WITH ME! i am so lucky. she always knows the right thing to say and is down to earth and wildly creative and is just the best. so dinner was super great, even though i was really exhausted and out of it and it probably wasn't as much fun for her. :) but after, i felt so, so much better.
and then the meeting. see, the thing is, there are all different sorts of meetings. both in their format and in how much of an impact they have on me and all that jazz. and tonight's was incredible. it really was. it made me feel good and inspired and i related to so many things and i just felt empowered and lighter after. i'm not even nervous that i'm going to go drink, even though it's 10 pm on a friday at the beginning of my vacation. i just dont feel like i need it. i feel like what i have now is too good to give up.
katie, my sponsor, had texted earlier, though, and asked me to meet for dinner before the meeting, and i had said yes, so there was a hard stop time of 630... which ended up being perfect, but caused me crazy stress when i didnt think i would be done in time. but anyway, i did, and i took the subway back to brooklyn, and all the stress and exhaustion caught up with me and i got sick. just nauseated and barfy and gross. and i was going to cancel on katie but decided to go... and oh my god. i'm so glad i did. first of all, i dont think ive mentioned how much i adore katie. she's just fucking awesome. she's smart and funny and quick and fun and she has so much great knowledge and experience and she WANTS TO SHARE IT ALL WITH ME! i am so lucky. she always knows the right thing to say and is down to earth and wildly creative and is just the best. so dinner was super great, even though i was really exhausted and out of it and it probably wasn't as much fun for her. :) but after, i felt so, so much better.
and then the meeting. see, the thing is, there are all different sorts of meetings. both in their format and in how much of an impact they have on me and all that jazz. and tonight's was incredible. it really was. it made me feel good and inspired and i related to so many things and i just felt empowered and lighter after. i'm not even nervous that i'm going to go drink, even though it's 10 pm on a friday at the beginning of my vacation. i just dont feel like i need it. i feel like what i have now is too good to give up.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
One More Thing Before I Go to Sleep
it's bad. it's really fucking bad. the urge to drink. i'm going to go to sleep and tomorrow i'm going to wake up and be thrilled that it's day four... but right now, it's really fucking bad. i want to get out of bed and go to the bar in my pjs. and i kind of love that i could do that. that i'm comfortable enough there to wear my pajamas and dont give a shit about anyone who would mind. and i can picture it and feel it and i want it. i also want to act like everything is fine and i dont feel this way... but more than that, i want to remember. i want to remember every ounce of the frustration and hurt and anxiety so i dont put myself back here again.
i realized the other day that although i only drank for about a month, the problem has gone on for much longer. that ive been suffering from untreated alcoholism since november or so. that the act of taking that first drink was just the final straw. an inevitable straw. but the depression, the food, the isolation... they're all symptoms. when i look at it that way, these last few weeks are a sort of blessing. because they are forcing me to deal with the problem head on. it just sucks that i had to sink so deep into the problem because now i feel like i'm still just trying to swim to the surface, rather than holding my head above water. but i know, i KNOW, that as long as i dont drink, i'm going to end up in a much better place than i was. that the person i want to be doesnt drink, true--but she also has a whole lot of other things going for her that i have to rediscover and reclaim. the water is just too murky to see through at the moment.
i realized the other day that although i only drank for about a month, the problem has gone on for much longer. that ive been suffering from untreated alcoholism since november or so. that the act of taking that first drink was just the final straw. an inevitable straw. but the depression, the food, the isolation... they're all symptoms. when i look at it that way, these last few weeks are a sort of blessing. because they are forcing me to deal with the problem head on. it just sucks that i had to sink so deep into the problem because now i feel like i'm still just trying to swim to the surface, rather than holding my head above water. but i know, i KNOW, that as long as i dont drink, i'm going to end up in a much better place than i was. that the person i want to be doesnt drink, true--but she also has a whole lot of other things going for her that i have to rediscover and reclaim. the water is just too murky to see through at the moment.
Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
the mantra in my head as i walked home: i want to drink i want to drink i want to drink i want to drink.
really pleasant.
i had group therapy at 6 PM and it was pretty cool. i'm so glad i am doing it. i got to say I AM THREE DAYS SOBER!!! which rocked. it really does feel like a miracle. but the drinking earlier in the week, the fact that i stayed out until past 2 a bunch of days in a row up to and including monday night, is still catching up to me. i'm just exhausted.
aa has a million cliches and expressions. and one of the things they say, that my sponsor reminded me of tonight, is HALT: that i am more likely to drink--or at least to want to drink--when i am hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. and i was starving, and exhausted. not angry at least. :) but i couldnt get it out of my head. i couldnt stop picturing myself sitting at that bar and ordering my second drink. second, because, i dont like ordering my first drink. it always takes too long and then i still dont feel good until it's done. so the second drink is much better... although i guess around four or five is my sweet spot... okay, see, this is the wrong path for my mind to go down, and this is where it keeps traveling.
my therapist has renamed the bar, though. he calls it Stupid Little Fucking Bar. and i have to say, i remember that, and it feels awfully dumb to TRULY consider going someplace being referred to as the Stupid Little Fucking Bar. it adds a level of embarrassment. that i know if i go then i'm going to have to tell him i went to the Stupid Little Fucking Bar. who wants to say that?
so instead of going out i called my sponsor and went and got ramen soup from this really awesome ramen noodle place and came home to see tommy.
and for better or worse--and i'm going to argue that it's for the better--i havent been able to forget this past weekend, how dreadful it became, how hopeless it felt. how recently it was. that this is, for all intents and purposes, my one and only chance to keep the job i'm about to start. that if i go out and drink tonight i'm totally and utterly fucked, because i wont stop until... i dont know when, but definitely not until ive been fired from the new gig. i can guarantee that. because it took over a week of solid attempts to stop this time. i can't do that to myself again.
really pleasant.
i had group therapy at 6 PM and it was pretty cool. i'm so glad i am doing it. i got to say I AM THREE DAYS SOBER!!! which rocked. it really does feel like a miracle. but the drinking earlier in the week, the fact that i stayed out until past 2 a bunch of days in a row up to and including monday night, is still catching up to me. i'm just exhausted.
aa has a million cliches and expressions. and one of the things they say, that my sponsor reminded me of tonight, is HALT: that i am more likely to drink--or at least to want to drink--when i am hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. and i was starving, and exhausted. not angry at least. :) but i couldnt get it out of my head. i couldnt stop picturing myself sitting at that bar and ordering my second drink. second, because, i dont like ordering my first drink. it always takes too long and then i still dont feel good until it's done. so the second drink is much better... although i guess around four or five is my sweet spot... okay, see, this is the wrong path for my mind to go down, and this is where it keeps traveling.
my therapist has renamed the bar, though. he calls it Stupid Little Fucking Bar. and i have to say, i remember that, and it feels awfully dumb to TRULY consider going someplace being referred to as the Stupid Little Fucking Bar. it adds a level of embarrassment. that i know if i go then i'm going to have to tell him i went to the Stupid Little Fucking Bar. who wants to say that?
so instead of going out i called my sponsor and went and got ramen soup from this really awesome ramen noodle place and came home to see tommy.
and for better or worse--and i'm going to argue that it's for the better--i havent been able to forget this past weekend, how dreadful it became, how hopeless it felt. how recently it was. that this is, for all intents and purposes, my one and only chance to keep the job i'm about to start. that if i go out and drink tonight i'm totally and utterly fucked, because i wont stop until... i dont know when, but definitely not until ive been fired from the new gig. i can guarantee that. because it took over a week of solid attempts to stop this time. i can't do that to myself again.
Day Three
i am sober. today is day three. i am starting to feel more like myself and it feels like an unbelievable blessing. it's so scary, when in the shit, to forget who i am and how i feel and what i can do. to think i'll never get it back. when i think about this weekend, and earlier this week, i get really overwhelmed. when i think about tomorrow, or next week, i get really overwhelmed. but when i think about today, right now, i feel okay. so as long as i can stay here in this moment i know i've got way more than a fighting chance.
last night: meeting --> fellowship --> home. it was, again, hard to sit in the meeting. i was starting to drink every day around 7:30 or so, and it is a real challenge when that time comes around to let the urges go by. so much of me wants to pop up and run out. that's what feels natural. but i'm already forging new habits and behaviors and soon enough they'll start to feel right, i bet.
tonight i have group therapy, which was really super fun last week despite the fact that i was only on day one and knew i wouldnt last the day. when i saw my therapist for individual therapy on tuesday, the first thing he said was, "day?" and i had to tell him i was still on day one. that was fucking hard. but today i get to say, day three. and you better fucking believe i'm going to say it louder and with my head held high. i'm moving in the right direction. sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly, but i'm moving.
last night: meeting --> fellowship --> home. it was, again, hard to sit in the meeting. i was starting to drink every day around 7:30 or so, and it is a real challenge when that time comes around to let the urges go by. so much of me wants to pop up and run out. that's what feels natural. but i'm already forging new habits and behaviors and soon enough they'll start to feel right, i bet.
tonight i have group therapy, which was really super fun last week despite the fact that i was only on day one and knew i wouldnt last the day. when i saw my therapist for individual therapy on tuesday, the first thing he said was, "day?" and i had to tell him i was still on day one. that was fucking hard. but today i get to say, day three. and you better fucking believe i'm going to say it louder and with my head held high. i'm moving in the right direction. sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly, but i'm moving.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
The Top 10 Lies My Alcoholic Brain Tells Me
1. I have one full day sober. This wasn't so bad. I can do it anytime. If I drink tonight, I can get sober tomorrow.
2. This is a lot of work, and I'm either a) not worth it or b) not capable of doing it.
3. There are people at the bar who would love to see me, and it would be worth taking the risk just to feel "part of" again.
4. I was overreacting, and drinking is fun. Drinking makes me feel good. Drinking makes me feel better.
5. Now that I've eaten a bagel and a chocolate bar and who the fuck even remembers what else, I may as well get drunk. You know there's no difference, Tomato. You know you've already screwed yourself.
6. Look at how you feel. You feel like shit. You can't even think. You don't want to live like this. And you know what would make it all okay.
7. You've already fucked up too much. There's no coming back from this.
8. My actions have no effect on anyone else. I'm only hurting myself.
9. I could still drink and be a productive member of society. I could. I just wasn't trying hard enough.
10. You will feel the way you feel right now, for forever, unless you drink again.
2. This is a lot of work, and I'm either a) not worth it or b) not capable of doing it.
3. There are people at the bar who would love to see me, and it would be worth taking the risk just to feel "part of" again.
4. I was overreacting, and drinking is fun. Drinking makes me feel good. Drinking makes me feel better.
5. Now that I've eaten a bagel and a chocolate bar and who the fuck even remembers what else, I may as well get drunk. You know there's no difference, Tomato. You know you've already screwed yourself.
6. Look at how you feel. You feel like shit. You can't even think. You don't want to live like this. And you know what would make it all okay.
7. You've already fucked up too much. There's no coming back from this.
8. My actions have no effect on anyone else. I'm only hurting myself.
9. I could still drink and be a productive member of society. I could. I just wasn't trying hard enough.
10. You will feel the way you feel right now, for forever, unless you drink again.
Day Two
i am sober. today is day two. yesterday was one of the most difficult days of my life. there was so much pain and fear that i felt like i could barely breathe, let alone work, all day. i had therapy in the morning and told him that although yes, i was still trying to string twenty-four hours together, today was the day. he basically told me that i'm not going to get sober for my new job and that i'm going to be fired. okay. i like a challenge. (this might make him sound awful. but he's not. he's actually incredibly brilliant and helpful.) after work, i met my sponsor at a meeting, and it was incredibly hard to sit there. for starters it was so, so hot. i was sweaty and uncomfortable and fidgety to the ninth degree. when it ended, at 7:30, i had to run out of the room because i felt like i was going to explode out of my skin. but i didnt leave. i sat outside, and waited for katie, my sponsor. she introduced me to more people, and one of them asked if anyone wanted to go for food. i never met her before, but i knew i couldnt be by myself, so i went, and then katie decided to join us.
it was awesome.
they are so funny, and so silly. at one point, they were walking ahead of me and being really hysterical and i almost wept with the realization that they were having so much fun, so much more fun than i've had at any point during the past month, drunk or not. sober fun. i had forgotten about that. i had five years and i couldnt remember any of it.
i want that.
we went and ate and it was great. they were fun and smart and helpful and kind. then katie had to go home but jesse was meeting other people for ice cream. and it was only about nine. i didnt want to drink but i didnt feel safe. so i went. and we even stopped home so i could bring tommy. so we went and we talked more and then i went home and . . . i stayed sober. and for right now, that's really all i give a shit about. (seriously. you should see the amount of food i've been eating. i can't concentrate on everything at once, and i know where my priorities have to be.)
i'm still not super clear. my head, that is. but that's okay. because i'm not going to drink today, and tomorrow will be even better. and even if it isnt, i dont have to drink. thats the part i had really forgotten about in my month of giving into every impulse that came into my head: that just because i have an urge, that just because i feel uncomfortable, doesnt mean i have to do anything. i cant help the thoughts and the feelings and the desires. all i can control is what i do with them. and for today, i choose to let them be.
i've also decided to bite the bullet (is that the wrong expression?/so cloudy) and opt in for cobra for a month. it's $600, which i dont really have to spare, but otherwise i cant go to therapy for five weeks, and i think it's worth it. and today so far? i feel good.
it was awesome.
they are so funny, and so silly. at one point, they were walking ahead of me and being really hysterical and i almost wept with the realization that they were having so much fun, so much more fun than i've had at any point during the past month, drunk or not. sober fun. i had forgotten about that. i had five years and i couldnt remember any of it.
i want that.
we went and ate and it was great. they were fun and smart and helpful and kind. then katie had to go home but jesse was meeting other people for ice cream. and it was only about nine. i didnt want to drink but i didnt feel safe. so i went. and we even stopped home so i could bring tommy. so we went and we talked more and then i went home and . . . i stayed sober. and for right now, that's really all i give a shit about. (seriously. you should see the amount of food i've been eating. i can't concentrate on everything at once, and i know where my priorities have to be.)
i'm still not super clear. my head, that is. but that's okay. because i'm not going to drink today, and tomorrow will be even better. and even if it isnt, i dont have to drink. thats the part i had really forgotten about in my month of giving into every impulse that came into my head: that just because i have an urge, that just because i feel uncomfortable, doesnt mean i have to do anything. i cant help the thoughts and the feelings and the desires. all i can control is what i do with them. and for today, i choose to let them be.
i've also decided to bite the bullet (is that the wrong expression?/so cloudy) and opt in for cobra for a month. it's $600, which i dont really have to spare, but otherwise i cant go to therapy for five weeks, and i think it's worth it. and today so far? i feel good.
Day One
from yesterday, day one, because i dont want to ever forget:
i am having a really fucking hard time. ive been drinking every night, staying out, usually by myself, at bars, until at least two am, for weeks. i am working really hard at turning things around, though. i started going to aa a week ago, and have gone to one or two meetings every day since then. im reaching out to people in the program--taking numbers, keeping in touch with people. i got a sponsor. i talk to her every day. i switched therapists to an addiction specialist and am going once a week. i'm also seeing him for group therapy once a week. and i cant fucking stop drinking. i go to aa each night, and then i go out to coffee or dinner or whatever with aa people, and then i leave and go to the bar. my head is cloudy, all the time, and i always feel sick. not hungover, just, my digestion is all fucked up from drinking so much. and i dont want to do this. i want to stop. and i know how that sounds and i know i just have to, i just have to stop--and i'm going to. today. i completely understand why people go to rehab, frankly, because i feel like i just need a little bit of space, a day or two between drinks and then i will be able to turn that into more and stay sober, but i dont have health insurance as of this weekend because i'm switching jobs. and i'm completely, totally terrified that i'm not going to be able to stop before i leave simon & schuster, when i have a week of vacation, because if i dont stop before then, i am going to be there every single night until the bar closes. there just isnt another way around it. i have to stop, NOW, or that's what is going to happen. and there is no, no, no chance i can start a new job in this condition. i cant even do the job i'm leaving. i am completely and utterly useless like this.
so i have to stop. i have to stop today. i mean it with every fucking fiber of my being, but i'm totally scared, because ive meant it before, and then it's like this switch flips and i go on autopilot and end up at the bar. but, i have a meeting planned for tonight, and my sponsor will be there, and i'm just not going to drink. i'm seriously not going to fucking drink.
but yeah. i'm really fucking scared.
i am having a really fucking hard time. ive been drinking every night, staying out, usually by myself, at bars, until at least two am, for weeks. i am working really hard at turning things around, though. i started going to aa a week ago, and have gone to one or two meetings every day since then. im reaching out to people in the program--taking numbers, keeping in touch with people. i got a sponsor. i talk to her every day. i switched therapists to an addiction specialist and am going once a week. i'm also seeing him for group therapy once a week. and i cant fucking stop drinking. i go to aa each night, and then i go out to coffee or dinner or whatever with aa people, and then i leave and go to the bar. my head is cloudy, all the time, and i always feel sick. not hungover, just, my digestion is all fucked up from drinking so much. and i dont want to do this. i want to stop. and i know how that sounds and i know i just have to, i just have to stop--and i'm going to. today. i completely understand why people go to rehab, frankly, because i feel like i just need a little bit of space, a day or two between drinks and then i will be able to turn that into more and stay sober, but i dont have health insurance as of this weekend because i'm switching jobs. and i'm completely, totally terrified that i'm not going to be able to stop before i leave simon & schuster, when i have a week of vacation, because if i dont stop before then, i am going to be there every single night until the bar closes. there just isnt another way around it. i have to stop, NOW, or that's what is going to happen. and there is no, no, no chance i can start a new job in this condition. i cant even do the job i'm leaving. i am completely and utterly useless like this.
so i have to stop. i have to stop today. i mean it with every fucking fiber of my being, but i'm totally scared, because ive meant it before, and then it's like this switch flips and i go on autopilot and end up at the bar. but, i have a meeting planned for tonight, and my sponsor will be there, and i'm just not going to drink. i'm seriously not going to fucking drink.
but yeah. i'm really fucking scared.
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