Day Eight

i am sober. it is day eight. and it is FUCKING CRAZY how my moods can change. i was so fucking pissed that i agree to meet katie tonight. i wanted to drink, and if i couldnt do that, then i wanted to do nothing. but i said i would be there, at the 715 meeting, and i am a woman of my word, and i show up when i say i'm going to show up, so i went. moodily and pouting.

and then the speaker just lit up my heart and my mind with his story and experience. i dont know how these meetings do it but they do. they fill me with strength and gratitude and remind me of WHAT i'm doing and WHY i'm doing it and that i CAN. and i sat with katie, who is just a beacon of life and health, and i soaked it up all. knowing how i had felt when i got there, i decided that if katie wanted to get food after i would go with her but otherwise i would stay for the second meeting. then at the end of the first meeting jesse showed up, and then katie decided to stay, and suddenly i was sitting between the two of them and i just felt so good, so supported, so safe.

there are lots of different people who attend meetings, and i've met people with all sorts of time under their belt and all sorts of sobriety. it's funny. when i first started going again, a few weeks ago, it was like there was me, and then there was everyone else, in terms of sobriety. i was on one end and then there was everyone else. but of course, it isnt really like that. "everyone else" is made up of individuals who fall all along the spectrum, from crazy and sick to healthy and well. and so some of the people ive been talking to, and am now friends with, are not people with the kind of sobriety i want. they're working their own program and i wish them the best but they're not role models for me, in particular. but somehow i was lucky enough to wind up with these two girls who are, yes, crazy alcoholics like the rest of us--but also remarkably wonderful people who have done really amazing things and are so kind, and so willing to help. i'm so, so blessed.