Day One

from yesterday, day one, because i dont want to ever forget:

i am having a really fucking hard time. ive been drinking every night, staying out, usually by myself, at bars, until at least two am, for weeks. i am working really hard at turning things around, though. i started going to aa a week ago, and have gone to one or two meetings every day since then. im reaching out to people in the program--taking numbers, keeping in touch with people. i got a sponsor. i talk to her every day. i switched therapists to an addiction specialist and am going once a week. i'm also seeing him for group therapy once a week. and i cant fucking stop drinking. i go to aa each night, and then i go out to coffee or dinner or whatever with aa people, and then i leave and go to the bar. my head is cloudy, all the time, and i always feel sick. not hungover, just, my digestion is all fucked up from drinking so much. and i dont want to do this. i want to stop. and i know how that sounds and i know i just have to, i just have to stop--and i'm going to. today. i completely understand why people go to rehab, frankly, because i feel like i just need a little bit of space, a day or two between drinks and then i will be able to turn that into more and stay sober, but i dont have health insurance as of this weekend because i'm switching jobs. and i'm completely, totally terrified that i'm not going to be able to stop before i leave simon & schuster, when i have a week of vacation, because if i dont stop before then, i am going to be there every single night until the bar closes. there just isnt another way around it. i have to stop, NOW, or that's what is going to happen. and there is no, no, no chance i can start a new job in this condition. i cant even do the job i'm leaving. i am completely and utterly useless like this.

so i have to stop. i have to stop today. i mean it with every fucking fiber of my being, but i'm totally scared, because ive meant it before, and then it's like this switch flips and i go on autopilot and end up at the bar. but, i have a meeting planned for tonight, and my sponsor will be there, and i'm just not going to drink. i'm seriously not going to fucking drink.

but yeah. i'm really fucking scared.