I Fucking Hate This

i had a good day. meeting in the morning followed by fellowship. took a long nap, which left me extremely groggy and out of it but i am still catching up on sleep so whatever. then a woman's meeting followed by fellowship. i felt really good there. warm and safe. but the second i left everyone to walk home i was hit with cravings and urges. they are really strong. i want to drink like whoa. i want to go to the Stupid Little Fucking Bar and sit on the stool and drink and drink and drink. it is whelming. is that a word? i wrote overwhelming at first but i guess it's not, because i'm sitting with it and feeling it and not giving into it, but it sure is strong. i have to remember that i'm starting a new job next tuesday. no part of me thinks that if i go drink tonight i wont also go drink tomorrow night. i cant do this to myself again. i cant. but it's like i'm bursting with WANT and i just want it to go away.