Day Twenty-Five

hey! day twenty-five here. yesterday i went to a meeting during lunch, and kind of loved getting away from the office and getting some aa action in the middle of the day, so i went again today. it was a meeting on the promises, which is a list of specific things that the big book promises us, if we work the program. it was on the sixth promise: "We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows." Immediately my ears perked up. This particular promise seems to be the theme of my week, particularly in a conversation i had with someone in group therapy and in a conversation i had with my sponsor. i have issues with... negative thoughts, bad self esteem, putting myself down. and my sponsor tells me that this is rooted in selfishness. that if i'm the biggest piece of shit in the universe--i'm still the center of the universe. the speaker at today's meeting was a federal judge, and full of honesty and hope, and said several remarkable things, but what had the biggest effect on me is the idea that, as an alcoholic, drinking and using drugs to destroy myself is pretty much the most self-centered thing i could do.

holy crap, right? or--maybe not. maybe if you don't know much about alcoholism, or if you've been effected by alcoholism and it just hasn't been your own, this isn't such a revolutionary idea. but let me tell you--it is to me. and yet, at the same time, it is so obviously true.

i've actually been thinking a lot about that lately. the difference between alcoholics and non-alcoholics. because lately, i've been getting SO MUCH out of aa meetings. out of listening and sharing with other alcoholics. i hear my thoughts in their words, i hear my feelings expressed in ways i was never able to do myself. that, by the way, has been mind blowing. just the other night i heard a woman share about something and i was like... holy crap. THAT is how i feel. that is how i have felt since i've been like five or six. and it's always existed in my body and mind as a little lump that i've pushed away and ignored... and she just verbalized it, and now i understand it. and that is such a miracle. because how can i possible deal with things if i cant even admit that they're there?

but anyway, it's SO remarkable and SO crazy when i hear people say things that i can relate to such an unbelievable degree that i found myself thinking that maybe this is just the way people are, you know? but i realized today that that isn't so. it's been educational, this time around, to realize just how much the average person doesnt know about alcoholism. it's so ingrained in me at this point--both because that is who i AM, but also because of all the time i have spent reading about it and going to aa in the past--that i forget that other people dont have that background, or experience. but that's not bad or anything, of course. it just makes me realize all the more that i'm in the right place, and that the ways i can relate to these people really IS remarkable, and, that, no. not everyone feels these ways.

today was challenging because i was supposed to go for drinks after work with coworkers. i backed out earlier today. last night i suddenly realized that going was not a possibility for me. not if i wanted to stay sober. so i canceled, and people kind of made me feel bad. they were very nice about it and were just teasing me but some of the things they said really got to me, because i really DID want to go, so bad. but i didnt want to go and stay sober; i wanted to go and drink. so i canceled and came home. and i'm so, so glad i did. i also had an amazing conversation with katie about it... in which she reminded me that periods of growth usually do come out of being uncomfortable, and that being sober isnt just about not drinking. that it's about learning to be okay with who i am, and to be okay with being uncomfortable, and to becoming a better person because of it.

it's just such a positive spin. i want to grow. so i have to be uncomfortable. and that's okay.