Day Ten

i am sober. it is day ten. but it has been a monster of a day.

not all a bad monster. i just way overextended myself. after having too little to do earlier in the week, and after how well yesterday went, i was excited to go out today because it was packed to the brim. i had individual therapy at 12:30; lunch with lovely ex-coworker katniss at 1:30; hang out in union square with my favorite greg after lunch; coffee with a woman from aa who used to work at the company i'm starting at monday; group therapy at 6; and a meeting at night.

jesus though. even typing all that out exhausted me. and it was like ninety fucking degrees out. by the time i got to greg i was a little on edge. i still had a blast, and then i had a very nice time at coffee, but then i was late to group and then i totally missed the meeting i wanted to go to at night because the train was slow and then i FREAKED OUT because i thought i was going to miss the last meeting of the night in my area, and my phone was dead, and i couldnt find out where it was, so i went, panicked, into a convenience store and he let me charge my phone and i got all worked up and stopped home quickly because i couldnt decide whether i should try to make it even though i was going to be late because it was a ways away and then went and paced in the bus stop, waiting for either a bus or a cab to take me to the meeting. this doesnt sound so bad. but it felt terrible. i was on the verge on an anxiety attack and i called my sponsor and was just like I AM WAITING FOR A BUS OR A TAXI BECAUSE I JUST NEED TO GET TO THIS MEETING BECAUSE THEN EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY BUT I JUST HAVE TO GET THERE AND OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO BE LATE and blah blah blah. and then finally the bus came and i swear, i must have looked crazy because people kept looking at me weird, and then i finally got to the right street and couldnt find it and tripped on uneven sidewalk and landed on the ground and then i finally found it and it was an apartment building and it was locked and i couldnt get in so i sat down in front and started tearing up in a panic because I HAD MADE IT ALL THIS WAY AND COULDNT GET TO THE MEETING and this kind man came up to me and was like "are you looking for a meeting" (gee i wonder what gave it away) and pointed to the door NEXT to where i was. and there was the meeting. and i missed half of it and didnt get that much out of it, to be honest, except that it allowed me to quiet my thoughts and just listen and center myself for a bit.

so that was crazy. i'm not sure i'm getting all the crazy across. of course, nothing was actually wrong. i just made myself all worked up over nothing. but i didnt even think about drinking, so that was an improvement. and then on the way home i got to speak to katie. she is so, so awesome. she said lots of things, like "easy does it" (omg if only!) and that she wants me to do a ninety in ninety--ninety meetings in ninety days, as is the plan--but not to the point where i'm going to drink over it. she pointed out that that kind of defeats the purpose. and that i need to remember that the goal is not to do aa perfectly. that i dont have to worry about getting an A in aa. that it's not about that. that we're working toward things and we get better but we dont have to worry about perfection. it's just not about that.

i feel a million times better. i'm still hyped up but i feel better. and also, katie pointed out how fucking far i've come--that i didnt want to drink tonight.

oh yeah. also. my therapist said i have to tell my parents about the relapse. i said i would do it tomorrow. i definitely want to speak to my sponsor first, though, so it might have to wait until saturday. but fucking a, man.