Day Eighteen

life is so weird. i keep thinking that.

today was interesting. work was okay. i ate like i'm fucking pregnant and don't fit into my clothes anymore, which makes me feel shitty about myself, which makes me want to throw in the towel and drink. i get all worked up until i manage to slow down and remember that, okay, tomato, your primary job right now is to stay sober. the rest can be worked on once that is sorted out and safe. but i do hate feeling like this. fat. the one saving grace is that the people at my current job dont realize i've gained weight because they've never seen me before! but it's still hard being at a place where no one really knows me at all. and i'm still not sure what i'm supposed to be doing a lot of the time, which makes me feel uncertain and uncomfortable and unhelpful. surprisingly enough not my favorite ways of feeling. but i know, i KNOW, that this is all typical new job stuff. i just have to get through it.

i had lunch with sonia today, which was wonderful, but a weird thing was that i stopped by the office because a very close coworker had her one year old there and i wanted to see and kiss her, so i did, but it was uncomfortable and weird to be in there. i only went up because the office was nearly empty since it is a friday, but i really didnt like being there and hid from as many people as possible. i hate that feeling--moving to a new place and not feeling comfortable there and then going back to the old place and realizing that it isnt home anymore either. but it was wonderful, wonderful, wonderful to see sonia.

after work, though, i was hit with major urges to go drink. i dont have the pup this weekend and could easily stay out until the wee hours of the morning and it just seemed really attractive. i got really overwhelmed and decided to go to a 630 meeting before my regularly scheduled 830 meeting. it was fairly good. it was a big book meeting so we read a story from the book and then shared. i hate sharing, even though i know it's good for me. but i always feel compelled to share when someone speaks about having five years and that they've been away from meetings for a while and are coming back because life started to be come uncomfortable. i want to be their cautionary tale. i want to help someone else so that they dont have to go as far down the rabbit hole as i did. and someone shared exactly that, so i had to tell my story. and then i shared about how different life has been since i got that taste of alcohol, that feeling of being drunk, back in my life, and how i havent been able to really let it go since. i hope it helped. i think it did help me to get it out there, at least.

i still wanted to drink, though, until someone shared about their baby. i so want a family. i really do. and i was struck by the realization that yeah, i'm not ready for one right now, and that's too bad, and i COULD drink over it... but that the decisions and actions i make right now are going to do one of two things: they are going to either help me toward my goal (or the possibility of it at least) or push me further from it. i'm not ready for a family right now because i'm still remembering how to take care of myself. the longer i spend out there, drinking, in bars or what not, the longer it is going to take for me to get to the point where i'm responsible and adult and ready enough to entertain the possibilities of the things that i want. so i've got to stay the course. i've got to.

and then i went to the second meeting. and it. fucking. rocked. it was so good. it really knocked me over with all the inspiration and strength and truth and blessings i took from it. i'm so grateful. i was walking home, thinking about my renewed sense of willingness, when i was hit again by the idea of going out and drinking. man, it sounded good. but i somehow managed not to entertain the thought, not to let the thought ruminate and grow and tempt, and steered my mind in a different direction. not even one of hope--just a different direction. i just made myself think loudly of different things. and i am home, and i am sober, and i am glad.