1. I have one full day sober. This wasn't so bad. I can do it anytime. If I drink tonight, I can get sober tomorrow.
2. This is a lot of work, and I'm either a) not worth it or b) not capable of doing it.
3. There are people at the bar who would love to see me, and it would be worth taking the risk just to feel "part of" again.
4. I was overreacting, and drinking is fun. Drinking makes me feel good. Drinking makes me feel better.
5. Now that I've eaten a bagel and a chocolate bar and who the fuck even remembers what else, I may as well get drunk. You know there's no difference, Tomato. You know you've already screwed yourself.
6. Look at how you feel. You feel like shit. You can't even think. You don't want to live like this. And you know what would make it all okay.
7. You've already fucked up too much. There's no coming back from this.
8. My actions have no effect on anyone else. I'm only hurting myself.
9. I could still drink and be a productive member of society. I could. I just wasn't trying hard enough.
10. You will feel the way you feel right now, for forever, unless you drink again.
You can do it, darling Tomato. You are a worthy and capable person, no matter what your brain says sometimes.
ReplyDelete<3 I love you, Ceridwen. Thanks for that. Tonight has been rough--but not all of it. I went to a meeting. They always ask who is counting days and I raised my hand and said that I have two days and . . . I mean, it's shameful, in a lot of ways, to be such a beginner at this point, but I am also absurdly proud of myself for finally getting to day two. Getting that first day under my belt was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and I did it.
DeleteBut then the obsessive thoughts started and I wanted to go out. So instead I went to dinner with people from the fellowship, and hung out for a while, and just got home. And I still want to drink, but not in an obsessive, freaking out kind of way. More of an ache. So it is good to remember how fucking hard the first day was. How impossible it seemed. And how it might not be possible again . . . so I don't want to find out.
Thanks for your support, C.
The first few days are so bad. But each day it gets a little better, not easier exactly, not at first, but more like a delicate momentum like you're just starting to pump your legs on the swing, and all your brain wants to do is get down. Keep it up! You're moving! You're doing awesome!
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